Worst Press Release of the Week? Oh Yeah.

“One customer, Bryce Stave of ___, TX says, ‘My wife and I are ecstatic with our new garage door opener.  We put the baby to bed and don’t have to worry about waking him up when we head out to the bar.'”

OK, but what about when you and the wife stumble in after a round or three…or ten? And how many had you downed before you gave us that gem of a quote?

Brace yourselves, dear readers: you will be shocked to learn that the great state of Texas does not count “Bryce Stave” as a resident.

Today we got wind of a press release that we just had to highlight as exhibit A in the “what not to do” file. It comes to us courtesy of an unnamed company specializing in garage door/opener installation and repair—and while have no doubt that they give great service, the problems with their latest release start in the lede:

“New garage door opener technology released to consumers by strong partnerships between manufacturer and distributers. Everyone wins with new garage door openers that combine cutting edge technology and fair prices.”

That’s some Sarah Palin-level word salad, what with the “fair prices” and the “strong partnerships” releasing products. What they’re trying to say is that a manufacturer has paired up with the repair company “to better serve families” with a new and improved garage door opener. How is this new opener better than all its predecessors combined (emphasis not ours)?

“The average garage door weighs more than 250 lbs, and the new garage door opener by Guardian lifts it like a feather with such a low volume that a customer needs to hear it to believe!”

It’s so quiet that you have to not hear it to believe it. It also boasts:

“fantastic dual lighting options, stylish-custom controllers, easy maintenance, a strong ¾ horsepower-commercial grade motor, and high grade safety features.”

OK, but we have some questions, because we really do know how annoying creaky garage doors can be:

  • What is the nature of the relationship between the manufacturer and the service provider?
  • How does one customize a controller with two options: open and close?
  • Couldn’t you have come up with a more believable quote for your fake customer?
  • Most importantly, why didn’t someone from Guardian write or, at the very least, review and approve this release before publication?

These are the thoughts that keep us up at night.