THIS JUST IN: McDonald’s to Purchase Sustainable Beef in 2016. Wait, What?

THIS JUST IN 2Typically, a story about ecofriendly, locavore, foodie shenanigans would be a nice #PRWin for any brand. However, when something like that comes from the Golden Arches of McDonald’s, that pungent fishy smell ain’t the filet under the hot lamp, kids.

Just in case you thought a solar flares shot across the sky and scorched your retina, you did read that headline correctly. According to CNBC, McDonald’s believes everyone will ignore that Mr. Ed, Trigger and Heigh-Ho Silver make up the Quarter Pounder, McNuggets and Big Mac and begin buying sustainable beef in 2016.

Because it’s all about paying it forward, ‘Merica?!

Yeah, right…

This is the same fast food restaurant that is known for nearly killing a man in a documentary. This is the same place that can make something called “Chicken McNuggets” from some alien stuff that looks closely like Salt Water Taffy. Mixed with Pepto Bismol. And stirred with bear poop. Or some such.

This is … that McDonald’s, right?

“Our goal is to purchase sustainable beef by 2016,” wrote Becca Hary, a director of global media relations at McDonald’s, in an email. “Some areas of the world are more advanced when it comes to traceability capabilities, and it is likely that our first purchases will come from one of those areas. We will focus on increasing the annual amount each year, but it is too early to predict the quantity that will be purchased in 2016.

Anyone else smell the same eco-stuff they make composting from in this response? If you are going all love-the-earth-but-kill-the-earthlings this week with the food, why not just notify the buyers at Whole Foods and ask for a bulk discount? How are those fake nuggoids and barley burgers going to remain on the $1 menu with “sustainable” meat?

Let’s see, what did I do with my trusty Merriam-Websters?

sus·tain·able adjective \sə-ˈstā-nə-bəl\
: able to be used without being completely used up or destroyed

McDonald’s meat: Able to be used or eaten without being “completely…destroyed.” Yeah, that sounds that indigestible crap that stays in your stomach outside of a colonoscopy. You win, Ronald. “Sustainable” it is. Bon appetit.