Sixteen hours later, we still cannot get over Seacrest’s high water mark

Yes, his mandibles are tremendously whitened, but he still appears to have a little green stuck between his teeth: $21 million dollars worth, to be precise.
seacrest_astronaut.jpg We speak of Ryan Seacrest, the lavender scented sheet sleeping uber-anchor for anything involving Hollywood, and his gi-normous deal with E!. Sure, we’d known it was coming since December. But Variety said it was in the high seven figures. Now, we see it is more. Much more.

We must repair to our little underwater castle for a moment or two. Twenty-one million dollars.

[Blink. Blink. Burble.]

Where did we go wrong in our puny fish-life? True, we are king of this 34 cubic inches of water, but this Seacrest fellow? His pelf stymies our picayune piscean encephalon into prostration.

We resolve that in 2006 to purchase a gross of Crest White Strips, and use them, or surely we shall never make any lucre at all.