Journalism Is Alive and Well (at the Church of Scientology)

Are you an ambitious, street-smart young scribe eager to expose L.A.’s seedy underbelly to the world at large? Do you decry the decline of quality reporting and live to shame the lamestream media? Most importantly, do you know your current thetan count? If you answered yes, duh, and “praise overlord Xenu!” to these questions, then The Church of Scientology wants you…to write for its in-house magazine, Freedom.

Freedom promotes “investigative reporting in the public interest,” with “the public” meaning Tom Cruise, David Miscavige, and whoever else runs the world’s most secretive tax-exempt organization. In what can only be the most incredible coincidence in history, every single article in said magazine amounts to a little piece of the church’s never-ending damage control campaign.

The most common subject is the fact that church apostates are all a bunch of fat, stupid-head liars who like to tell lies just because they are mean and evil for no reason at all except that every one of them is addicted to drugs and doesn’t get enough vitamins. For what it’s worth, the website does make good use of some strange pop-up animation.

The job description (posted on, in case you doubted the church’s credibility) refers to a need for “experienced investigative reporters” to write on “human rights issues” (our weird relationship with the government), “betterment issues” (our desire to control Will Smith‘s career), and “investigative reporting in the public interest” (creating jpegs that make our detractors look like whiny little babies).

We almost feel sorry for the church here, so we will offer some completely unsolicited advice: using your own in-house editorial team to write “gotcha” articles may not be the most effective way to discredit your enemies. For instance, this kind of strategy won’t do much to convince any otherwise sane members of the public that you happen to be a respectable organization created for the sole purpose of improving mankind—unless, that is, the only audience for this rag are the thousands of people who chose, for some reason, to join your little club.

…and we have a winner!

For now, we’re just disappointed the digital magazine doesn’t allow comments—it’s been a while since we enjoyed some high quality trolling.