I’m OK, You’re OK, but Dana Vachon? Not so sure.

Yesterday our mothership MediaBistro ran a feature by Dana Vachon, eligible bachelor, naked swimmer and Riverhead’s new publishing wunderkind, about why OK! Magazine is the perfect summer read. And we’re not going to dispute that, even if we are partial to a certain very thick book about a boy wizard. It’s just that reading it made us feel suddenly conscious of being deep inside Vachon’s brain, and we weren’t entirely sure of what to make of what we found there. Exhibit A: His opening paragraph:

When on the beach in the waning days of August, there are a great many things that I don’t want to think about. Some of the things that I don’t like thinking about are very important: China’s annexation of Taiwan, in 2012; Iraq’s Civil War, in 2009; The Bush-junta’s conquest of Iran, in November. The other things that I don’t like thinking about are admittedly less important, but in some ways even more disturbing: Spider-veined geriatrics in bathing suits with skirts; fat kids in tidal pools standing all too still; sodomite mosquitoes that buzz up my shorts, then fall strangely silent. Yet not thinking is a notably difficult trick to pull off, as the contemplation of any non-contemplative state automatically distances a would-be non-thinker from the stultifying bliss of non-thought. And before you know it you’re right back where you started, worried about suicide bombers, the vasculature of the lower extremities in post-menopausal women, and of course, the mosquito who has set up shop in your rectum.

Yes, there’s a lot there, and now our minds are in 2012. Fortunately, the rest of the article is as distracting and engaging as a centrefold of a naughty Jude Law (guess blue eyes don’t compensate for everything), insofar as a centrefold of a naughty Jude Law can send us scurrying to Google to understand this sentence: “The Truth: In Touch magazine is in fact an advanced-stage experiment in extreme deconstruction undertaken years ago by Jacques Derrida and the philosophy department at NYU; it was once Lingua Franca.” (Okay, we’ve scurried to Google to see Jude Law recently. Oh, as if you haven’t.) This is probably the smartest thing that will ever be written about OK! Magazine, or could ever hope to appear in it; for that, we would still maintain that Dana Vachon does not need your pity. But, there’s still the matter of that first paragraph, and the disquieting place it take you to. So, I’ll say this: if our hearts suddenly tug for the pensive, vulnerable Vachon, it’s only because now we know what’s in his head. And, er, other places.

I’m OK!, You’re OK! [MB]