Fifty Shades of Grey Is Having Some Performance Issues

jamie-dornan-dakota-johnsonSoccer dads, cat moms and even some red-faced teens are anticipating the Valentines Day 2015 is the 90-minute S&M boink fest 50 Shades of Grey, set for release on Valentine’s Day (how romantic!).

However, ticket sales may go flaccid after hearing this news: It’s not sexy enough. 

Wait, what?! *Gasping. Swooning. Regretting.*

Word from US Weekly is that stars Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan are lacking that je ne sais quoi needed to make this movie a global success large enough to match the impact of the book that preceded it.

Take two is already getting…tied up.

Dornan and Don Johnson’s daughter (yes, that Don Johnson) have been spotted shooting retakes because of “a distinct lack of chemistry” and not “being passionate enough.”

Our guess is that the act of flogging someone in the name of love starts to chafe after a while — especially if it’s simulated. A normal person would be slightly distracted, but this movie can’t have amateurs, we suppose.

Another source adds, “Dakota isn’t coming off sexy enough. [Anastasia Steele] needs to be naive, not a dishrag.”

Insert studio spin here:

A rep for Universal Pictures, meanwhile, denies that there’s a chemistry problem. “No one should question the heat or intensity of our actors,” the rep says.

They are talking about this “intense” trailer, right? Maybe if it were sponsored by that magic blue pill…