A-Rod Follows Lance Armstrong and Takes the Easy Way Out

A couple of months ago we gave Yankees slugger/celebrity boyfriend/yacht enthusiast Alex Rodriguez some totally unsolicited advice about the best way to deal with the steroid controversy threatening to ruin his already soiled career.

Now we have to wonder whether A-Rod even read our little blog post, because we’ve seen a glimpse of his role model and it looks a whole lot like pre-Oprah Lance Armstrong.

He decided to turn the tables on his accusers by filing suit against both Major League Baseball for “slandering” him with a world-record 211 game suspension and his team’s physician for “misdiagnosing” a hip injury in an attempt to prevent him from playing.

That’s a devilishly brilliant and completely unbelievable scheme right there.

Remember another star athlete who just loved to sue people? Rodriguez confirmed that he’s using Lance’s unpublished “Whine Your Way Out of Trouble” handbook as a guide by calling the MLB investigation a “witch hunt” created to glorify league commissioner Bud Selig. His legal team’s point isn’t that the records acquired from shamed steroid distributor Biogenesis were inaccurate but that they were stolen, which is step one in what we call the “Hey, Look Over There!” defense.

Rodriguez is the only member of the 13-player squad accused of steroid use to fight the charges; the rest hung their heads and slunk off in shame. And we haven’t even gotten to the worst part of his strategy, communicated via this quote:

“The process has to be respected. What I do know is that I’m very happy with the support. I want to give my thanks to all of the Hispanics in the entire world, here in New York City and [who’ve] been here the entire week. Keep supporting me. Thanks a lot.”

We’re not quite sure what A-Rod’s trying to accomplish with this statement, but we like to imagine him taking the time to shake the hand of every single Hispanic person in the entire world. We urge him to do it, because his career would be over long before he could make his way around the globe.

See, Yankees pitcher Andy Pettite retired with his dignity intact last month after admitting that he had, indeed, used performance enhancing drugs when he was a younger man. A-Rod won’t have that option, because he made his bed and now he’s lying in it while laughing at the rest of us buffoons.

His spokesman says that he “eagerly awaits the day when all of this legal jostling is finished, and he can share his story with the public and his supporters”. We like the implication that he just can’t share his story now, as much as he wants to. If he took the “honesty” route, everyone might hate him even more than they already do.