Trailer Mash

'Man on a Ledge' or 'One for the Money'? It's our weekly opening-movie montage

This is a direct quote from the first line of Adweek's Trailer Mash" is what you'll read should you find this story via a retweet bot on Twitter. Our mash this time (above, by Kate Rose) unites Sam Worthington and Katherine Heigl as though the worlds of Man on a Ledge and One for the Money were the same, which in a real way they are. And to spare you the moil of sitting through every trailer, here are a few ideas of what to expect from the new releases based exclusively on their own advertising.

According to the uncommonly precious trailer for How Much Does Your Building Weigh, Mr Foster?, the Christ was not a Nazarene carpenter's son living under Roman occupation a couple thousand years ago but a bald old Englishman who walks among us today, in a very fine suit. Filling space with structures of purpose that not only tell the story of our times but ineluctably describe how beauty is a mere aspect of good design, Foster's works could inspire despair among any mighty who happen to look upon them. All it would take to topple this artfully constructed edifice is the possibility of an encomium from Bono. Oops.

The trailer for The Grey is one of those object lessons in brevity that the industry graces us with every now and again. So deft in its presentation, so confident in its storytelling, it leaves one struggling to imagine what more entertainment might be wrung from the movie's remaining 115 minutes and 33 seconds. At the very moment we realize Liam Neeson is mourning the apparent death of his wife in a snow-related accident (touchingly authentic or creepily exploitative, your call), we find ourselves in a classic man-against-nature stand off—specifically, Liam, fingers bedecked in a broken bottlenecks knuckleduster, about to have a fistfight with a pack of wolves. We must pity the wolves even as we chortle away at broken bottleneck knuckledusters. 

There are some, no doubt, who have held off on making the major decisions of life until the time came when Sam Worthington would appear onscreen in a mullet. For them, that happy day has come. In this trailer for Man on a Ledge, Sam and his mullet stand on a ledge to provide a distraction so that Jamie Bell from Billy Elliot and King Kong can do a robbery to clear his name. Ed Harris is in there, too, apparently impersonating a 300-year-old skeleton who set the mullet up, while Elizabeth Banks is the smart but hot negotiator duped into talking him down. Such a preposterous name for a movie, Man on a Ledge, it demands to be put through an Internet anagram generator, and the best result is "Lemon Agenda." For those still undecided about those key decisions, be assured that the Worthington mullet will return, in Wrath of the Titans, or White Hot Ant Farts.

Insofar as she never seems as though she will transcend the material, Katherine Heigl might well be the female Sam Worthington. Luckily for Katherine, her new vehicle, One for the Money, doesn't require her to. It appears to be a dopey and happy-to-be-so romantic comedy about a newly appointed New Jersey bailbondswoman tasked with bringing in her old high school flame, and it's all pleasingly random. Debbie Reynolds fires a gun at a roast dinner, Katherine's clothes fall off quite a bit, and there's even a female best friend, or sister probably, to exchange frustrations with at the end of a phone. As for her quarry, Jason O'Mara is yet another of those production-line slender and twinkly Irishmen with instant female appeal, the kind of fellow all us other men just love to be around. Michael Fassbender is already consulting with his agents.