Guest Critic

It is an honor and pleasure for me to be given the opportunity to share my insights with you, esteemed reader. I understand that some of my comments may be taken out of context. I just ask that you put them back into context when you are done with them. I’d also prefer if you took your shoes off.

Bahamas Ministry of Tourism: The man is so sad. Look at those droopy eyes. I don’t buy that’s his wife, but who am I to say? Maybe she fell in love with him when he had six-pack abs. Maybe he’s dynamic in bed. Anyway, I wish people did intervene when they felt you needed to go to the Bahamas. Nothing wrong with intervening. And how about the Bahamas having 700 islands. I like the sound of that. Shake and bake.

California Lottery: Other than a wall outside one side of their house, this lame family has it pretty good. Then they go and win the lottery. And you don’t really even want them to because you don’t really like them, you don’t feel for them. They’re like that family that lives on your street and the only time you ever hear from them is when they want something because they’re so caught up in their own shit. Well, the people in this ad are kind of like that and then they win the lottery. At least give me the white trash family who wins the lottery, then blows it all on jet skis and time shares.

MasterCard: The next time I wait for my sister to fly home from London I’m going to get all emotional and think about MasterCard and the shit I can buy with it. I like the track in this spot. Sat nice and deep within the film; it was nestled down in there warm and cozy, like a little squirrel holed up in the trunk of a tree surrounded with its nuts, hibernating.

PowerBar: I think it’s a great product. I just don’t think it does what this ad says it does, nor do I think that should be its positioning. Too many things profess they give one more energy. That brief is as exhausted as the “manly” brief. Stop trying to give me energy and tell me about being a man. Anyway, I believe this brand was started by a couple making the bars out of their kitchen in Berkeley or something. Man, I’d get some cameras in that old kitchen and film away. In focus of course. Maybe a snap-zoom here and there. Super 8 would be nice. Hide the bongs that they have in the kitchen, though—they won’t make it past the networks.

Tostitos: I love that a nacho chip company designed its chips to be little shovels to scoop up that meat dip or cheese dip or whatever dip it is that you are having at that particular time. I can’t wait to get them so I can shovel dip. It’s such a smart way to do a chip. I was so fascinated with the chip I didn’t really remember the spot. Sometimes you can’t let the advertising get in the way of the product. Sometimes you can’t let the advertising get in the way of the idea.

Volvo: The video of the little girl in the beginning feels like a video someone is watching to remember her by. It’s creepy. Not to mention she barely even knows the words to the song and hasn’t made her bed. And after all that it turns into this Volvo thing about protecting the gifts I already have. So if you love your kid, you better not be a cheap bastard and buy some other car. Buy a Volvo or everyone will know you saved money only to put your kids in a second-rate car. What kind of sick bastard are you?