Labash's Theories on Life

The full interview after the jump…

Matt Labash is a senior writer with the Weekly
Standard, where he’s worked since its launch in ’95.
Before joining the Standard, Labash wrote for the
Albuquerque Monthly, Washingtonian Magazine, and
American Spectator. But today he’s our Friday Feature:

Where’s your hometown? What was it like growing
up there?

Parts unknown. I was a military brat, so here
and there. The road was our mistress. I’d just as soon
not specify on account of some outstanding speeding
tickets. ire

What was your first job?

I worked at a pool snack bar at the Andrews AFB
Officer’s Club. The colonels’ wives loved them some
snacks, so it was a high-pressure gig. I only lasted
about two days.

What’s your most embarrassing on-the-job moment?
(Or as embarrassing as you’d like to reveal?)

When interviewing one of Larry Flynt’s estranged
daughters at her house, I tried to get her grandmother
drunk. It was the only way. She wasn’t keen on my
being there, and kept interfering with my reporting.
So I tried to buy her off with a case of beer. We
drank it together while watching a “Melrose Place”
rerun. It didn’t really work, but I believe Amanda
went back to Peter in that episode, so all’s well that
ends well.

If you could interview any deceased person, who
would it be and why?

Don Imus. If I could bring him back, I’d like to
ask him where a faux cowboy buys bolo ties and chaps
in Secaucus, NJ.

It’s 2026 — where are you and what are you
doing?

That’s only 20 years away. So I’ll probably be
doing the same thing I’m doing now — stagnating.

Name your favorite vacation spot.

Italy — all good things come from there,
including Italian women.

What is your favorite book and why?

That changes frequently. At the moment, it’s
Ricky Jay’s “Extraordinary Exhibitions: The Wonderful
Remains of an Enormous Head, The Whimsiphusicon &
Death to the Savage Unitarians.” It’s a book about
freak show playbills, which is interesting. But
mainly, I just like to say “Whimsiphusicon.”

What would be your last meal — ever?

My mom’s braciole. It contains the key food
groups: steak, bacon, a good red sauce. If only it had
guacamole in it, it would employ all of nature’s most
perfect foods.

What is the first section of the newspaper you
read?

I like to start off with something light, like
the obituaries. Other people’s misfortune brings me
great solace.

And finally, we’re ending this feature with a
question posed by the last interviewee. This is from
Houston Chronicle’s Julie Mason: If you could lash
yourself to the dome of the Capitol and scream one
giant truth about Washington, journalism and politics,
what would it be?

David Broder refuses to wear pants. If you’ll
notice on “Meet the Press,” they always shoot him from
the waist up.

Now you can pose your own question — any
question — to the next interviewee. Be as nice, or as
mean, as you wish.

If they’re not afraid, answer this: When
considering all cable-news talent, both male and
female, who would you like to have sex with and why?
If they’re cowards, they can answer this: They say
with Pringles, once you pop, you can’t stop. How many
Pringles can you eat in one sitting? (Please specify
in can increments — half a can, a whole can, etc.).