The Miss Jobless Chronicles: Damned If I Do

The Miss Jobless Chronicles is written, on a (semi) regular basis, by Caitlin O’Toole.
I know, I know, it’s been a long time since the last column. I apologize — but I do have an excuse. I have been working! Yeah, you heard me right. Granted, I am still under-employed — but at least I’m not at the bodega scratching off lotto tickets with the local hoodlums.

It’s funny about work — actually, it’s not really funny at all. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t. My stupid insurance company (which shall be nameless) won’t allow me to work over a certain amount or they’ll drop me. (Sound familiar to any of you?) I got this very cool freelance offer to to work for a company that’s sort of like “Pop-Up Video”. It’s great money, and it will allow me to be the bratty, snarky, irreverent bitch that I am! Yay!

But I can only work for them a certain amount or I will lose my benefits. How dumb is that? I won’t go on about it because I am bitter and slightly disheartened. But who the fuck wants to pay an $1100 a month premium just to be able to make at least $1100 a month to PAY the premium? Retarded, right? I’m curious to know what people do about this, and how I can work as much as I need/want to and still be covered if I get hit by a speeding Vespa, say.

I’ve been making more friends on facebook, which is my way of avoiding real-life relationships, which are a fucking drag. Right? There’s this one woman I used to know at NYU and we reconnected virtually. She’s an amazing poet, I am always “liking” her poems and supportively commenting. In turn, she reads my blogs and comments positively each time I post one. In effect, we’ve become faux friends.

But hell if I want to really know her. I saw her on the street recently and ducked behind a tree. What on earth would I say to her face? Thank god she didn’t see me. The only things to really say to a facebook friend’s face in real life are “like”; “LOL” and “What’s on your mind?” You’re only allowed to use 140 characters when you answer, even in person. If you go over that many characters — including periods — you have to shut up and let the other person speak before they cut you off.

Since I’ve been procrastinating about writing my own stuff, my friend lulu lent me a book about procrastination. I couldn’t bring myself to read it and she made me return it two weeks later. I’m like that with lots of books. I think I may have literary A.D.D. I’m allergic to prose. Except lately I’ve been reading lots and lots of Bukowski — I’m reading everything in order by year, and Henry Chinaski is my new hero. A totally lovable misogynist drunk. I lose myself when I read about him and feel much less dysfunctional. I also recently read a book called “Portrait of An Addict as a Young Man,” which is about a guy who was a huge literary agent in New York and lost his job, his relationship, and all his money to cocaine. I am fascinated by addicts — especially crack addicts. I should really ask my therapist about this. I find myself watching tons of episodes of “Intervention” on Netflix. So many episodes that I think I need an intervention to stop watching the show, which is actually quite upsetting.

I’ve been editing this cool new political blog called “Eli’s Observations,” which is incredibly humorous and brilliant. So check it out. I’m trying to find a venue for it, like the Huffington Post. So if you have any ideas about a good home for the blog, lemme know.

On another note, what’s the deal with the Kardashians and why am I so obsessed with them? I’m a celebrity journalist so I’m kind of paid to be obsessed, but I follow every move of the Sisters K. Especially Khloe, who reminds me of a woman I used to date. I seriously want to camp out in front of their DASH store in SoHo and catch a glimpse of them. Since I used to write solely about this over-exposed family, their publishing company keeps sending me Kardashians books and trinkets. I have keychains, make-up, shoes, cologne, and Silly Bandz. My apartment is a monument to Kardashian Krap. So if you’re reading this, St. Martin’s Press, please stop — it’s really quite embarrassing when guests come over. My bookshelves are as schizo as I am: in between classics like Hardy and the Brontes and J.D. Salinger are books like “Kardashian Konfidential” and manuals on how to get a smoky eye like Kim’s. A date came over and looked at my books (so trite, but she did) and laughed at “Kardashian Konfidential,” my Valerie Bertinelli memoir and “Come And Knock On Our Door,” the complete scripts of “Three’s Company”. (Because who doesn’t need that?) I never saw the woman again, but fuck her, if she doesn’t like the Kardashians then I don’t want to date her stinky ass anyway.

By the way, when are they going to come out with Kardashians action figures? I so want a Khloe action figure! I would play with them like Barbies! Have complete conversations and make up scenarios. Like this:

Kourtney: “Did you see that Rick Perry faux pas last week?”

Kim: “The Rick Perry what?”

Khloe: “Who?”

Kim: “Oh, is that the guy from that band Journey?”

And also, I think there needs to be a Kardashians video game. Something simple, like a game in which you try to get all the Sisters past the paparazzi at a premiere or past the fans outside a DASH store and get them safely inside. There would be little obstacles, like camera wires and stalkers and people crying and asking for autographs and crazy people throwing punches. Or else you could have a game where fans are buying sweaters off a shelf at DASH faster than the girls can stock them and you have to keep replenishing the pile. It would be one of those addictive games that people play on the subway, like Jewels. Just totally mindless and repetitive. Or what about a game where the girls are in a salon and their eyebrow hair keeps growing and you have to get them in to see a beautician before it grows out of control? Rrrrright? Fun!

Are any video game developers listening? Or Kris Jenner? Anyone? Hello? Hello? (This is a little bit like the scene in that old movie “Nightshift” when Michael Keaton is coming up with inventions and he decides it’d be lucrative to feed mayonnaise to the tuna fish before canning it. Did anyone see it?)

OMG OMG what about a video game in which you have to get Lindsay Lohan past the paparazzi at the courthouse? Or one where she’s in prison and she has to battle all the lesbians who are trying to have their way with her? Or what if you had to make her drink as many vodka tonics with her falling over? Rrrright?

Or for the totally politically incorrect — you could have a video game where Michael Jackson is trying to get away from Conrad Murray, who’s trying to inject him with propofol!

Totally random, but I think my cat is bulimic. I call her the “best little cat in the world.” She constantly makes herself throw up by sticking her paw down her throat. She runs around in circles to burn off calories. And she spends waayyyyyy too much time in the bathroom. Is it possible for a cat to have an eating disorder?

Thanksgiving is upon us and although all underemployed people complain too much, there’s a lot to be thankful for. Like … um …. and oh! That, too. And then there’s… that thing. I’m being facetious, of course. I have an amazing, supportive family, my health, a roof over my head, very cool friends, and you guys, who read my (semi-weekly — OK, monthly) rants and stories.