Rating the Media’s Super Bowl Parties

Several media companies are going to throw Super Bowl parties this weekend. While we appreciate the tradition, it always presents a problem: How do you choose which one to attend? Or, more specifically, how do you choose which one to imagine yourself attending when in reality you’re at home eating Doritos? Luckily for you, we’ve rated several parties.

The FishbowlNY Five Star Rating System™ is extremely technical, so read this carefully — one star means the party sucks, five means you should definitely pretend that you’re rich and cool enough to go. Below are the ratings, via The New York Post’s breakdown.

ESPN ★ ★ ★

Pros: Magic Johnson and Victor Cruz are attending. Performances from Kendrick Lamar and Robin Thicke.
Cons: Joe Flacco will be there. No one likes the Ravens.

Shape and Men’s Fitness ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Pros: Serena Williams, Matt Harvey, Meg Ryan and Arianna Huffington will be in attendance. John Legend, Marc AnthonyMary J. Blige — plus a “mystery guest artist”— are all slated to perform.
Cons: The mystery guest artist could end up being Chris Brown.

Time Warner Cable 

Pros: Does Diddy’s attendance count as a pro?
Cons: Drake is performing and it’s Time Warner, which means the party will start later than it’s scheduled and at least two tables will catch on fire. When you go to complain about the situation you’ll be asked to wait 45 minutes for a reply.

Playboy ★ ★

Pros: Do we really have to explain what’s good about a Playboy party?
Cons: Hugh Hefner will not be attending and Nelly is performing. No weird old dude in a robe, plus having to listen to “Hot in Herre?” Not a good scene.

GQ ★ ★ ★ ★

Pros: Fantastic, must-meet athletes will be attending, including Cam NewtonColin Kaepernick, CC Sabathia and Joe Johnson.
Cons: You will be the worst dressed person there.