Miley Cyrus Can Haz Laser Cats Crying Diamonds

No, we didn’t watch the “everybody phone it in” American Music Awards last night. Who do you think we are?

Luckily, we are aware that the show was shockingly scandal-free and we do have some super obvious takeaways!

Lady Gaga and R. Kelly: interesting, but this was a “tribute” to JFK like Gawker‘s “15 Women JFK F*cked” was a tribute. Predictably, appropriately tasteless.

Taylor Swift: still not country. Who votes on these things—and did they hear the same songs we did?

Justin Timberlake: We take issue with his wins in the “Favorite Pop Artist” and “Favorite Soul/R&B Artist” categories—specifically the word “favorite.”

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis on racial profiling: yes, this is a very important topic that warrants extended debate by influential figures in a public forum. But you are not those figures and this is not that forum.

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Two observations: A) this song could have been released in any year from 1986 to the present and B) the cat took lip syncing lessons from Eminem.

Dear boring pop music: see you next year! Have a great summer and never change.