Magazine Theme Restaurants

Rolling Stone is opening a theme restaurant. Why not Newsweek, the New Yorker, or Huffington Post? Justin Peters at imagines the possibilities:


Chez Cosmo
This downtown hot spot, beloved among fashionable divorees, is known for tasting menus like “76 Hot Dishes You Need To Eat Now” and “51 Gravies To Please Your Man.” For an entree, try the Lamb Three Ways. Extra-spacious bathrooms leave patrons plenty of room for vomiting, sobbing uncontrollably at the emptiness of it all, and reapplying lipstick. Dress code of Capri pants, stiletto heels, and body glitter strictly enforced.

What a selection! Marvel at the 47-page menu of hot entrees, most of which are sourced from other, better restaurants. While you can’t beat the price, remember that you get what you pay for: The food is often reheated and many of the “celebrity chefs” who dabble in the kitchen don’t appear to know how to cook. Remember to pay cash, as the staff has been known to “aggregate” patrons’ credit card numbers.

Oh, it’s all true. But our favorite imaginary restaurant is the one based on Libertarian magazine Reason:


Reason Restaurant
This no-frills spot encourages diners to bring their own food or buy meals off other patrons. If you do use the menu, take care not to order the same thing as your friend- the brusque waiters may dismiss you as a “second-hander.” The kitchen’s philosophy is appealing if ultimately incoherent, relying heavily on absinthe, hemp, and foie gras. Desserts are a specialty: Order one of the famous gingerbread houses “eminent-domain style” and a waiter dressed as Uncle Sam will whisk it away just as your children start to dig in. They’ll go home crying, but they’ll have learned a valuable lesson about tyranny. Smokers welcome.

Previously on FBLA:
Rolling Stone to Open Theme Restaurant in Hollywood Tourist Trap