Lance Armstrong and Oprah Walk Into a Bar…

We don’t know about you guys, but we’ve had about enough of this Lance Armstrong. Full confession: we didn’t even watch the Oprah interview live, because we were too busy catching up on American Horror Story (which is kinda campy but wow, Jessica Lange really chews the hell out of the scenery). We did, however, follow the drama on Twitter, which was every bit as informative and much more entertaining.

Anyway, we know everyone and his brother will be posting reasoned op-eds today to debate Armstrong’s PR strategy and his chances at redemption, so we thought we’d take a different route:

Which questions were resolved in last night’s interview? And what were the answers? Let’s start with the most obvious:

  • What is Lance Armstrong’s favorite reality show? Cheaters, duh.
  • Who’s the bigger bully: Lance Armstrong or Nelson Muntz? Let’s see…Did Nelson ever sue anyone for libel? Didn’t think so.

  • Did Lance buy his first bike with lunch money stolen from other kids on the playground? Well, we can’t see him filing any more lawsuits in the near future, so we’re gonna say yes! 
  • When will Lance update his super-douchey bio? Not soon enough.
  • Did Lance listen to Sheryl Crow when she sang “If it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad”? Obviously.
  • Did Lance really stop doping altogether after 2005? Did Michael Jackson only get “two nose jobs?”
  • Was Lance displaying his famous sense of humor when he told Oprah “I called Betsy Andreu a crazy bitch, but [at least] I never called her fat“? Unfortunately, yes. Ugh. 
  • Who is Lance’s favorite Game of Thrones character? Theon Greyjoy: a traitor, a liar and a big old bully.
  • If Lance were a drug dealer from The Wire, which one would he be? Marlo Stanfield, because he has a “ruthless desire to win”, he’s big on revenge and he just can’t STAND it when Omar makes him look like a punk.
  • Will Lance ever do anything to compensate all the honest people he ruined in court? Ha ha ha. Of course not.
  • Can Oprah conduct a decent interview? Surprisingly, yes!
  • Will people really start watching OWN now? Good God, no.

And now a couple of serious queries:

  • Did Lance tell the whole truth? He’s a pathological liar who refuses to admit that he pressured teammates to dope. That’s a definite no.
  • Did this interview make him a more sympathetic character? Absolutely not. See the Betsy Andreu “joke” above.
  • Will Lance ever repair his reputation? He certainly doesn’t think so–and for the record we hope he’s right.