Any Reason for a White House Jester?

Funny guy and “Reason Gone Mad” blogger Bill Shein has a job application in at the White House, but like a jobless DC journo dumped after Inauguration, has yet to hear back on its status. He’s applied to be the nation’s first “White House Fellow for Humorous Affairs” and has sent this letter to the President.

What makes you qualified to be “presidential jester”? On my home planet, everyone was like me, so my jester skills were nothing special. But when I arrived here in my intergalactic clown car- launched just moments before my planet exploded in a ball of fire, absurdly large shoes, and pointy, bell-laden hats- I quickly discovered that I’m different from you earth people.

Who’s your biggest competition for the position? I’ve heard that Tim Geithner does a hilarious impersonation of that elf who wants to be a dentist in “Rudolph.” And the “Draft Bobby Jindal for Presidential Jester” movement has been gaining steam, which makes sense, no?

Why wasn’t such a position needed in the Bush administration? Wait. Wasn’t that Alberto Gonzales’ job? I’m confused.

Have you ever dressed as Nancy Pelosi or any other political figure before? To date, only Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. But that goes with the territory when you’re founding editor of the “Mitch McConnell is One Fine-Looking Man” fanzine.

Isn’t it Reggie Love’s job to hang out with the President?
Yeah, but he’s too big to be a good presidential jester. I mean, the guy is what, nine feet tall? Four hundred pounds? Can bench press the soda machine outside Axelrod’s office? Jesters have to be thin and wimpy, like me and Geithner, so people aren’t afraid to laugh. Reggie’s got a nice smile, but he’s enormous. I think he’d crush me like a bug if I laughed at him. That doesn’t fly in jester-land.

What’s the status of your job application? No word yet, but I’m optimistic. Deep inside the president’s budget proposal is a line item called “Revenue from Sales of Presidential Jester Action Figures (Less Shein Royalties).” By 2012, he’s projecting $46 billion a year. So I’m confident. And the response from the talking heads has been positive. Sean Hannity’s a big fan. A really big fan, actually. (Sean, if you’re reading this: Stop calling me at home late at night. You’re creeping me out.)

Do you have a history of hidden tax problems? If I told you, they wouldn’t stay “hidden,” now would they? But yes, of course I do. Far too many to list. It’s a prerequisite for White House service. Fortunately, last fall I declared my PayPal account to be a “bank” and received sufficient bailout funds to settle up with the IRS. In any event, does the position of presidential jester need Senate confirmation? I don’t think so. Though if it does, that will be a really, really fun day on the Hill.