A Night In Hell – Part 2

Politico has compiled a list of which celebrities will be attending the White House Correspondents Dinner and which table they will be sitting at.  I hate them all, so I thought I’d take a look at each table and judge it in my usual caring way.

CBS “Homeland” star Claire Danes; “The Good Wife” actress Christine Baranski; Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Shaun Donovan; Lt. Gen. George J. Flynn; Raymond Kelly, commissioner of the New York City Police Department; actor Daniel Dae Kim; Sen. Amy Klobuchar; American foreign policy adviser and U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Susan Rice; Capt.”Sully” Sullenberger III; Rep. Allen West; Rep. Tim Scott.

This is the “serious” table, if by “serious” you mean boring. You’d find Jimmy Hoffa’s body before you’d find a sense of humor here. You accept an invitation to this table only to get you in the room, but you don’t spend time at it.

CNN’s Piers Morgan Actress Goldie Hawn.

“Actress” Goldie Hawn? Shouldn’t you have to have actually, I don’t know, acted in the last 20 years to be able to be called an “actress”? Goldie Hawn is like the K-Mart version of Elizabeth Taylor – someone famous for having once been famous (and that’s being very generous).

Fortune Actress Rashida Jones.

There will be more people at this dinner than people who watch “Community.” ‘Nuff said.

Fox News Kim Kardashian and her mother, Kris Jenner.

Someone’s trying to get laid, married for a few days or crabs. With these two at your table, all options are possible.

Fox News Greta Van Susteren Actress Lindsay Lohan.

This is almost cruel. Bringing Lindsay Lohan to booze-fueled party? Why not just pick up your friend from rehab and take them to a crack den for old time’s sake?

Huffington Post Actor Daniel Day-Lewis; actress Dakota Fanning; Anna Paquin; Stephen Moyer of “True Blood”; Darren Criss of “Glee”; Nasim Pedrad of “Saturday Night Live”; Attorney General Eric Holder; Georgetown Law student Sandra Fluke; Sen. Rand Paul; White House communications director Dan Pfeiffer.

This table was chosen to be the “cool” table, but it’s not. Great actors do not make great company. Plus, everyone will be distracted by the people from “True Blood” because they’ll all be thinking “I’ve seen them naked.” And Sandra Fluke? Really? I guess it’s not surprising, someone always invites someone for “shock value.” I just hope someone tells her to go to Hell when she hits them all up for cab fare, because we know she doesn’t like to pay for things herself.

The New Yorker “Portlandia” stars Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein; actor Jason Schwartzman; Aziz Ansari of “Parks and Recreation.”

This is the “hipster” table. They won’t talk to anyone, they’ll expect people to approach them. As is the case with hipsters, they will be pointed at with the question “Who’s the douchehole wearing the bolo tie?” and that’s about it. They will blame everyone else for their unpopularity. Plus, how can anyone eat with Schwartzman’s eyebrows threatening them all night? On a side note, this is where you will undoubtedly also find Dave Weigel circling all night waiting for his “in.”

Newsweek/The Daily Beast Actress Reese Witherspoon; “The Help” star Viola Davis; J.R. Martinez of “Dancing With the Stars”; Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano; Gen. David Petraeus; Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand; Sen. Susan Collins; Rep. Steny Hoyer; Rep. Carolyn Maloney; Ambassador Melanne Verveer; Gov. Jerry Brown; Washington attorney Bob Barnett.

Everything I’ve ever heard about Reese Witherspoon leads me to believe everyone will tire of her perkiness after about 10 minutes. The only hope for this table is if Gov. Brown brings some medical marijuana for everyone, but I get the feeling Steny Hoyer would be a narc.