“I Want To Boil My Hand”

(above: CNN’s Jamie McIntyre)

  • “I Want To Boil My Hand”
  • “Contemplating breaking a bottle and swallowing the glass.”
  • “$10 if you can do something to cause a heart attack.”

    Those were some of the hand-written notes jotted down last night by two attendees during one individual’s set at last night’s “DC’s Funniest Celebrity Contest” (big fan of prepositional phrases today). No, no: We’re not naming names, but we will say this: The shock & awe air attack in Baghdad had less bombs than this guy.

    But, besides that–and once you were able to move past the various jokes inherent in a “Funniest Celebrity in DC” contest (the Special Olympics of comedy, truly)–last night’s comedy event at the DC Improv to benefit Bread for the City was actually quite enjoyable. Comics included Bob Somerby, Richard Siegel, Walter Shapiro, Cal Thomas, Matt Cooper, Rep. Linda Sanchez and Bill Rigardie. Many in the room mourned the absence of Tony Snow, who was, historically, a frequent stand-up at this event. Apparently, he’s got other things on his mind at the moment.

    But the event did make us wonder if the Wonkette boys were actually right: Is Matt Cooper not as funny as everyone says he is? His performance was hyped throughout the night as the evening’s highlight (and they saved him for last). He was certainly okay and his self-deprecation (“Yes, yes, I know I’ve been all over the news recently. Everywhere I go, people ask, ‘Hey, aren’t you George Clooney?'”) helped win the audience over, but he largely commented on news articles he had brought on stage–some worked, some didn’t. He was funny, but certainly not the funniest. (We did, however, appreciate the, apparently true, story from when Cooper arrived in the Oval Office recently to interview President Bush. Cooper: “The president sees me come in and say, ‘Coop! I thought you’d be in jail by now!'”)

    The honor of funniest celebrity had to be reserved for…

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    Rep. Linda Sanchez who, per usual, brought the house down with her a.) comedic props (she discussed the “new Congressional cell phone,” designed for Cynthia McKinney and then whipped out a cell phone with brass knuckles on it) b.) her black t-shirt emblazoned simply with “Latina” written with silver glitter that just screamed “I’m a bad ass” and c.) jokes like this:

      How do Republicans think they can round up 12 million immigrants to return home when they can’t even get 200,000 people out of New Orleans? And they knew where those folks were!

    She also repeated her famous “Top Ten Reasons I Don’t Date Republicans” (#7: “Despite all their hype, I still can’t find his weapon of mass destruction.”).

    CNN’s Jamie McIntyre did a funny riff on Don Rumsfeld’s method for dealing with the press. Quoting Rumsfeld’s tendency to say things like, “Are things in Iraq going perfectly? No. Could they be better? Sure. Could they be worse? Absolutely” … McIntyre thought about using that kind of approach with his wife.

    Upon returning home late one evening, McIntyre proposed this dialogue:

    “Am I late? Yes. Could I have been home earlier? Sure. Could I have come home even more late? You betcha.”