Dumbass Pitches: Author Explores Satan

In continuing with our series of really, really stupid ideas that people send us, we have a special Halloween entry into the Dumbass Pitches Hall of Fame.

Have you ever sat down after a hard day at work, cracked open an ice cold beer or popped the cork on your favorite bottle of wine and thought to yourself, “Is Satan really alive and well in the 21st century?” Of course you haven’t, that’s a stupid question and you have more important things on your mind. But author Dr. Karl I. Payne has, and he came up with his own, completely make believe answer, too.

Yes. Yes the devil is alive and well in the 21st century and he wants to eat your baby or some complete and utter nonsense like that.

Payne’s new book, Spiritual Warfare: Christians, Demonization, and Deliverance, comes from his past experiences of “a long standing career in the real life encounters of Satan and the world of exorcism.” If those credits aren’t enough to sway you into buying his spooky book (which, coincidentally, is out just in time for Halloween) then maybe the fact that Payne is the official chaplain for the Seattle Seahawks might be the fuel you need to seek spiritual salvation. Payne’s media advisor, Jackie Monaghan, provided us a list of questions you may want to ask Dr. Payne, but we went ahead and saved you the trouble and answered them for the good doctor:

  • What does it mean to be demon possessed? You’re a 13-21 year old girl, seeking attention. (Twerk it, Miley)
  • Identifying the fight:  The world, the flesh, or the devil?  That isn’t a real question, but here’s a crack at answering it… Kill the devil, marry the world, and bang the flesh. 
  • Why are so many people today fascinated with the subjects of demons, vampires, and witchcraft? Ever see that movie “The Craft?” Those chicks were nuts! Way better than Twilight and Hellboy combined.
  • What are the keys to successfully confronting demons? Step 1: Move out of your parents’ basement. Leave the keys on the kitchen counter.
  • Why is deliverance ministry so often portrayed as a “circus” by the media? Because the circus is absolutely terrifying. I mean, come on, clowns? WTF are those things all about?