Ask Piranhamous Anything

Here’s this week’s installment of “Ask Piranhamous Anything.”  If you have a question you’d like “snarked to death,” send it to This isn’t an advice column. Piranhamous doesn’t know what the hell you should do with your life any more than you do — and worse, he doesn’t care. Try to keep your questions short — we want to keep this fun, simple, funny and insightful.

A new study shows that Americans distrust TV news more and more. Why is that?

You’re kidding, right? I could write a book on this but I’ll just point out a few obvious reasons. 1) Have you seen MSNBC? Their line-up is like a bad SNL skit. Wait, that’s redundant. It’s more like a Sesame Street episode written by someone tripping on acid. How many corrections and “mistaken edits” have they admitted to lately? I don’t know if they allow their hosts to leave the studio to talk to real human beings or just people from Politico, the DNC and Georgetown/Upper West Side cocktail circuit. ABC is a little better, but that’s not saying much. And CBS…Does CBS still do news? 2) CNN. When there are more people without power a week after a storm than watching your network’s primetime line-up you’re doing it wrong. It’s like a corner with a gas station that keeps going out of business but different people keep opening new ones thinking they’ve got the magic touch to do what everyone else who failed tried to do. There’s a definition of insanity in there somewhere. Plus, who needs that much Wolf Blitzer? People don’t want to spend three hours with family, let alone Wolf. Fox is tainted by the singular stupidity that is “Fox and Friends.” It takes until about 4 p.m. to rinse the bad taste that turd leaves in your mouth. So when your choice is between varying degrees of crap or no crap at all, most people will choose no crap. Shocking, I know.

Are you glad that the heatwave temporarily broke so that DC journos will stop constantly bitching?

No one whines more than journalists. They also drink a lot. So you’d think a sweaty journalist would be happy to have seep out through their pores last night’s remedy to the realization that their profession is tainted with bias and hackery that many Americans can see through. But you’d be wrong. Their hangover becomes an olfactory reminder that their job has a lower approval rating than Congress, which causes them to drink even more. So when something comes along that everyone hates, like heat in summer, they latch onto it like a co-dependent junkie gloms onto their dealer’s leg when they’re a dollar short of their next fix.

Is there a chance Politico‘s Joe Williams likes all the attention he’s receiving, even of the negative variety?

No one had ever heard of Joe Williams until he showed the world he was flexible enough to stick his foot in his mouth while simultaneously having his head up his ass, so attention is new to him. And much like Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton and others famous for, well, not f-ups, just f-ing, attention is proving to be addictive for Mr. Williams. So yes, I think he loves this. Unfortunately for him, being 98.6 degrees does not make him “hot” and being an ass doesn’t mean you have a great one people drool over. So the clock is ticking for Williams. His left-wing leanings and love of calling people who disagree with him a racist will probably lead to a deal on MSNBC. Time will tell.