Ask Piranhamous Anything

Today we have another installment of: “Ask Piranhamous Anything.” And we do mean anything. Send your queries to This isn’t an advice column — Piranhamous doesn’t know what the hell you should do with your life any more than you do — and worse, he doesn’t care. Try to keep your questions short — we want to keep this fun, simple, funny and insightful.

What are you thoughts on the possible plagiarism by TWT Columnist Arnaud de Borchgrave?

The guy is older than dirt (no offense, dirt), so by his age he’s probably written everything humanly possible at least twice. That being said, it’s crappy when someone lifts someone else’s work without noting it. Being original isn’t the easiest thing in the world to do, but being honest is. He wasn’t honest, and it sounds like a lot of people over at the Times knew it and did nothing about it. They’re both problems and both should be dealt with quickly and severely.

Can you please explain to Betsy what a “turn your head and cough” procedure entails………slowly?

Are you trying to get me sued? That being said, how the hell does anyone not know what that entails? I’ll try to put it in the most polite terms possible (after all, this is a family blog).

When a doctor and a patient hate hernias very much, and they’re both (mostly) sober, the doctor touches the person near, not on, their naughty bits and instructs them to turn their head and cough. If the doctor feels the intestines of the patient shooting downward with the cough, the patient can then look forward to being essentially cut in half and sewn back together. If the doctor feels nothing, the patient can look forward to awkwardly pulling up his pants and a long, shame-filled shower. Actually, you know what? I feel dirty writing any more than that. Betsy should just Google it.