Ask Piranhamous Anything

Get ready for another installment of: “Ask Piranhamous Anything.” And we do mean anything. Send your queries to This isn’t an advice column — Piranhamous doesn’t know what the hell you should do with your life any more than you do — and worse, he doesn’t care. Try to keep your questions short — we want to keep this fun, funny and insightful.

1. Who do you find more physically and otherwise attractive: FNC’s Ed Henry or Bret Baier? (Just be glad I didn’t ask which one you’d rather spend eternity with on a deserted island.)

Bret. He’s solid, whereas Ed comes across as soft, like Jell-O. On a deserted island I get the feeling Ed would spend most of his time looking for a still pool of water to check his hair in, while Bret would get to work building a Gilligan’s Island style series of huts.

2. What do you think of CNN Anderson Cooper’s continued and persistent talk about coming out of the closet?

Anderson being gay was the worst kept secret since McDonald’s “secret sauce” being thousand island dressing. That he feels the need to keep telling the world says more about him than the world. I don’t think he was prepared for everyone already knowing or not caring and it’s freaking him out. It’s also got to be a little liberating for him. Too bad it hasn’t translated into ratings.

3. Having gone to both conventions, who threw the better parties? Who was better organized? Which one was more fun?

They were both horrible in their own special way. Lots of old people at both, but the young people at the RNC seemed to be more willing to let their shortly cropped hair down and have fun than at the DNC. The parties themselves were just parties, people standing around drinking, but the RNC soirées seemed to embrace vices more. More smoking, more cigars, etc. The DNC parties, while there was plenty of booze, seemed to be more uptight. I realize this defies stereotypes, but the RNC were fun drunks and the DNC were angry drunks. So despite the weather being shit at both, worse at the RNC, I’d take Tampa over Charlotte any day.

4. Is it ever acceptable for journalists to coordinate on questions before a press conference takes place?

It’s not illegal or anything, but it sure shows a lack of creativity and thought. That Romney presser open-mic thing was embarrassing in that it exposed how drone-like journalists are. All but one of the questions were about process. Was there nothing else happening in the world? Those journalists don’t seem to realize we’re on to them. You’d think, or at least hope, a few of them might want to not play into the liberal bias stereotype. But no, they don’t. There’s nothing technically wrong with it, but if I was their boss I’d be pissed that they couldn’t come up with any substantive question instead of badgering Romney over timing. Last I checked, credibility is important in the news business. If your only question is what Ben LaBolt would ask, and you ask it after three others have asked it, you might be doing your job wrong.