Why I should replace Melanie Martinez

Not having kids, my first reaction to the PBS-Melanie Martinez flap was: Who the hell is Melanie Martinez? Now I know: She’s the ousted host of something on PBS’s Sprout network called The Good Night Show, which is apparently designed to help parents get pre-schoolers to fall asleep. (For me, Anderson Cooper does the trick, but I’m way out of Good Night’s demo.) Anyway, Mel’s naughty vids surfaced, and PBS cut her loose. Cry no tears for Ms. Martinez, though. She’ll surface on Lifetime soon enough, stalked by Harry Hamlin in a movie of the week. Or pose in Playboy (or a Volkswagen ad) with a stuffed panda. Whatever. Here’s my point: I’m applying for the job. I’ll need a seven-second delay, owing to occasional potty-mouth, but PBS shouldn’t be concerned, as the target audience has a limited vocabulary. I’ve also expressed various opinions in columns and such over the years; luckily, toddlers can’t read, and my rants are largely incoherent, anyway. I won’t need a three-hour timeslot. Five minutes will do. I can get these kids to sleep fast. My mother supplied the script many years ago. When I would rattle the bars of my crib and screech “La! La! La!” into the wee hours, Mom would storm in with balled fists and scream, “Cut that out and go to sleep!” It worked every time. My version of Good Night would feature similar pithy dialog. And maybe a stuffed panda. Portrayed by Harry Hamlin. If your kids still can’t sleep, try turning off the tube and reading them a story. Or singing to them. I can preach because, as I noted earlier, I don’t have kids. Most people who’ve met me believe that’s a good thing.

—Posted by David Gianatasio