Company Mailing Out Free Vibrators to Federal Workers During Shutdown

Idle hands get a devil's plaything

If you're a federal employee with some time on your hands, has something they'd like to put in those hands—for free!

That's right, the e-commerce hub that bills itself as "the easiest way to find the perfect vibrator" is currently giving away 200 free vibrators a day to help idle workers go from being furloughed to dil-doughed. And demand is brisk, with the first batch snatched up by midday today, though another 200 will be made available each day until the crisis ends. Just use the promo code "shutdown" to unlock the free offer, which the crew admit is a bit of a security flaw: "Order one even though you are not a furloughed federal employee and we won't really know, but Karma will get you."

Unfortunately, the 200-vibrator limit has to be enforced because "more than that and it will slow down our warehouse and prevent timely delivery of our paying customers' orders." You can almost hear the frenzied commotion of the vibrator warehouse, where forklift drivers are working late into the night, loading a fleet of tractor trailers with crate after crate of the undulating orifice tinglers that are keeping America running.