Crispin Porter + Bogusky’s bizarre campaign for the Volkswagen Routan posits that women are having babies in order to have an excuse to buy the vehicle. It’s a nonsensical and probably offensive outing, if only because it stars Brooke Shields and that stupid talking Beetle with the worst German accent on TV since Hogan’s Heroes was canceled. On the plus side, there’s a Web-based Babymaker 3000 game, and I made a baby with—who else?—Jessica Alba! I uploaded her picture, but instead of using one of myself, I drafted David Duchovny. We look alike in a vague way that only I’ve ever been able to see. (Dim lighting is key.) Besides, Dave D’s a sex addict, so I figure he won’t mind if I get him a little more action. Whoa, the kid doesn’t look half bad! Now, if only Jessie would return my calls.