I need to tweak to my 100%-true memoir

Dear Big Publisher:
  Thanks for accepting my 100-percent true-life memoir for publication! In the interests of full truthiness, I mean truthfulness, which some memoirists have trouble with, here are some last-minute changes to the manuscript:
  • Please change title My Secret Life With the CIA, Osama and the Street Gangs to Couch Journal: Why I Never Left My Parents’ House.
  • All references to “guns,” “knives” and “karate” should now read: “soup spoons,” “tweezers” and “tai chi in the park until I hurt my back,” respectively.
  • Lose the chapter about my marriage to Paris Hilton.
  • Also cut the chapter about my marriage to Perez Hilton.
  • I accidentally sent you a picture of Brad Pitt for the book jacket. Please use David Duchovny instead.
  • Change “Congressional medal of valor” to “$5 winning scratch ticket.”
  • I misremembered the attendees at the White House dinner held in my honor. Oprah couldn’t make it, nor could J. Lo, Rupe, Hannah Montana, Barney the Dinosaur or Jay-Z.
  • Please cut the chapter about the White House dinner held in my honor.
  • Change “Space Shuttle” to “Boston Water Taxi” and the line “I kept us from crashing into the sun” to “I’m sorry I sank Old Ironsides.”
  • Maybe Axl Rose’s picture is best. He’s dead, right?

—Posted by David Gianatasio