Jimmy Kimmel’s Funniest, Most Withering 2021 Upfront Jokes

Even when upfronts week is virtual, one thing remains constant: The real highlight of the weekly event is Jimmy Kimmel’s annual upfront roast during Disney’s presentation. Kimmel’s traditional appearance, in which he skewers his own company and other broadcasters, is “the best thing in upfront week,” Disney ad sales chief Rita Ferro once told Adweek—and that's been the case since 2003. (Kimmel talked to Adweek about the tradition, and recalled the upfront joke that ABC wouldn’t let him tell, as part of his 2017 cover story.) And this year’s virtual event was no exception, as the Jimmy Kimmel Live host laid into Disney slogans and buzzwords (“our new glossary of bullshit for 2021”), broadcast rivals and Disney+. Here were Kimmel’s funniest and most withering upfront jokes from 2021. On the Disney upfront slogan, “These are the moments that matter” “Is there anything less true than that? These aren’t the moments that matter. You know what the moment that matters is? Your first handjob.” On DRAX “As you know, everyone here at Disney is very excited about DRAX, the Disney Real-Time Ad Exchange. I don’t have a joke for this, I just want to point out how sad that is.” On Disney storytelling “We’re not just marketers … we’re storytellers. Has anyone mentioned that today? We’re storytellers. In fact, we’re telling you a story right now. Not a true story … the story we’re telling, you know, is completely made up. But what do you expect us to do? Tell the truth? … Do you expect us to tell you that more people contracted blood clots from the Johnson & Johnson vaccine than are currently watching network television? No.” On Disney’s inclusion efforts “What do you do when you want to bring more people of color under the tent? … You sign a long-term deal with the NHL. White people on ice. After 17 years, the NHL is back on ABC and ESPN. At long last, America’s fourth-favorite sport returns to its fifth-favorite network.” On ABC freshman drama Big Sky “We do have a few bright spots, like Big Sky, the No. 1 new drama that no one has ever heard of or seen. Big Sky is also where the shows from our last upfront went.” On CBS “CBS is once again calling themselves the most-watched network. Being the most-watched network is like being the best-selling fax machine. Congratulations.” On the Tokyo Olympics “NBC is planning to move forward with the Olympics this summer, even if they have to kill every last person in Japan to do it. Why doesn’t NBC just move the Olympics to Chicago like they do every other show?” On the pandemic ratings losses “Somehow, when everyone’s stuck in their houses with nothing to do but watch TV for the past 14 months, we still manage to lose ratings!” Nielsen, Networks Face Off Over Pandemic TV Audience Measurement On Disney+ “Disney+ has been a huge success for this company. Instead of having people go the movies, we just get their credit card numbers and charge them every month until they pass away. It’s a business model we stole from 24 Hour Fitness." “At Disney+, we are making something truly special, something that hasn’t been made around here in a very long time, and that’s money. It’s hard for networks to compete with these streaming services. At this point, let’s call ABC what it really is: Disney-.” On cord-cutters “My kids don’t even know what commercials are. When we go on vacation and put on Cartoon Network or something, they’re like, ‘Why is this woman doing laundry in the middle of our show?’” On Kris Jenner telling marketers that she is open to integrations on her family's upcoming Hulu reality series "Who could have ever guessed that one day Kris Jenner would be open to sponsorships and integrations? Are you telling me the woman who sold her daughters to Sketchers is finally ready to cash in?" His parting pitch to advertisers “Give us your money. You might as well: We’re Disney. We’re going to get it one way or the other.”