For Your Consideration, Hollywood Nut Jobs

Here’s an idea for this year’s Oscars: a montage of rants from celebrity nut jobs, narrated by Charlie Sheen. Sheen’s recent rant against Two and a Half Men co-creator Chuck Lorre caused CBS to halt production of the show, so he’ll be looking for work.

In Sheen’s version of events, he “spent I think close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting [Lorre’s] tin cans into pure gold.” Meanwhile, CBS is probably more than a little pissed that Sheen torpedoed network television’s most-watched sitcom.

The blogosphere is starting to speculate on Sheen’s potential replacements. If CBS is looking for another actor who can offer similar off-screen pomp, we offer the following, for your consideration:

Some of Sheen’s comments belied an undercurrent of anti-Semitism, but no one fits the anti-Semitic bill like Mel Gibson. Jeffery Goldberg of The Atlantic has even created a Mel Gibson prize, and awarded Sheen as its first winner. In 2006, Gibson blamed “Fucking Jews” for “all the wars in the world,” and, presumably, for the fact that he had just been pulled over for driving under the influence. Gibson’s rants have also dabbled in homophobia, racism and threats of domestic violence—just a few of the themes that Two and Half Men has yet to touch upon.

Christian Bale would also be a good candidate. Bale blew up at the cinematographer during filming for Terminator Salvation, launching into a three-and-a-half-minute tirade in which he called the cinematographer “a fucking prick” and said “I’m going to fucking kick your fucking ass.” So that was fun.

Then there’s Alec Baldwin. Don’t let the fact that he’s currently the most charming man in Hollywood fool you. Back in the day he left a terribly threatening message on his daughter’s phone, calling her a “rude, thoughtless little pig.” “I am going to get on a plane, I am going to come out there for the day, and I am going to straighten your ass out,” he screamed at her. “So you better be ready.” Yikes.

Unfortunately, none of the candidates hold a candle to the late Lawrence Tierny. We’ll leave it to Quentin Tarantino and the cast of Reservoir Dogs to explain why.