We at Hewlett-Packard regret spying on you, and are delighted to have reached a settlement. We’ve routed the agreed-upon sums of money directly into your bank accounts. As a courtesy, we’ve also paid your utility and Internet bills from those accounts. (One of you was three months behind with Comcast!) As an added gesture, we have renewed your driver’s licenses and remotely reformatted the hard drives of your PCs and iPhones to improve performance. Some of your stock portfolios were overly speculative—we’ve made adjustments. While you were at work, we also cleaned and redecorated your homes (purple shag rugs?) and left mints on your pillows. In several cases, wardrobe enhancements were required. (Gray is the new black.) You may notice some changes at your workstations. Disregard any whirring noises, and remember to speak clearly into the potted plants. We would also like to offer you spots in our successful “Hands” advertising campaign. Naturally, the ads will not show your faces. We at HP take the issue of privacy very seriously.
—Posted by David Gianatasio