Warning: This post is about vaginas and periods. Behold the Kotex menstrual pad above, which I designed myself! Yes, U by Kotex is holding a period-based design contest called the Ban the Bland Design Challenge, and is asking for your most inspired tampon art. The design tool is great, designer Patricia Field is in there somewhere, and the idea makes a lot of sense—at least, for the outside packaging and the case. Frankly, the main reason to buy U by Kotex is the colorful design. It's nice that when I accidentally drop a tampon from my purse, people think it's some kind of weird European sugar packet. One time, an idiot noticed the R on the Kotex regular I was holding and actually told me he was impressed that I had monogrammed lipstick holders. You can't buy that sort of freedom to walk to the bathroom unnoticed. However, even if I win the contest (unlikely, I know, despite the all-important ad-blogger vote), I'm not going to whip a tampon out and say, "Hey guys! Guess who designed this bad boy?!" Or, for the love of God, try to coordinate my pad with my outfit. Kotex suggests that you "make your mark on the future of feminine protection." I guess I just don't want to. And I would suggest a new copywriter. Because as much as I want to be period-positive, there are some contexts in which I do not want to get my "creative juices flowing."