For those who are unfamiliar with his work, Rodney Dangerfield was known in his day as ‘The King of One-Liners’. We have a feeling that if he had Twitter in his lifetime, he would have been a king of the Twitter-Sphere, too. Nominations for The Shorty Awards are upon us. And we believe that, if the star comedian was alive today, he would destroy the competition. We have compiled a list of 20 hilarious Rodney Dangerfield quotes (in under 140 characters) that would have fit perfectly on Twitter.
20. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
19. I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
18. I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
17. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
16. A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
15. I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
14. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
13. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
12. I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.
11. Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
10. I bought a perfect second car … a tow truck.
9. My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
8. For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
7. My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
6. Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
5. My wife made me join her bridge club … I jump next Tuesday.
4. I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents “do you think we’ll find them”, “I don’t know there’s so many places to hide”
3. I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
2, One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
1. I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
BONUS: When I was born, the doctor said to my father, ” I’m sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled thru”.