Severed elf ear always such a wonderful gift

Ear

Elf ears. That's the seasonal gag gift from Providence, R.I., agency Nail Communications. It says they've been "hand selected and carefully severed just for you!" Hey, it beats the socks I usually get. (Maybe wedge a crowbar into your pocketbook this year, Mom?) Nail didn't bother to send me an actual ear, just a photo, so they might be fishing for free press without really mailing these disgusting, shriveled pieces of aged, pointy cartilage out. You know what they say: Believe elf of what you see and none of what you ear. Sorry, I couldn't elf myself.

—Posted by David Gianatasio