Pwnmeal Extreme Gaming Oatmeal goes way beyond steel cut. This hot, lumpy cereal is EXTREME!!!
Alas, the caffeinated glop won't be coming to breakfast aisles anytime soon. The "official porridge of e-sports," launched at last weekend's Pax East conference in Boston, is a satire of gamer marketing and culture cooked up by Digital Kitchen and the jokers at Cards Against Humanity, the party game for horrible people.
"The concept may sound ridiculous, but it's not far off from the realities at these conventions," the agency says. "Gamers are hit with marketing for everything from caffeinated gum to beef jerky."
From the faux brand's website: "It's a PWN or BE PWN'd world out there. Only a n00b would skip breakfast, the most important meal of the day. When you visit cyberspace to play your favorite shoot 'em ups or massively multiplayer online video games, ensure decisive victory."
Flavors include Strawberries and Carnage ("Prepped to fuel your next kill streak with a massive payload of phytonutrients") and No Scope Headshot Blueberry ("Line it up and pull the trigger with a sweet, warm BFG—the B is for blueberry").
The video shows buff guys and gals "dramatically" tearing open product packets, tossing around flakes and rubbing oatmeal on their ripped bodies. They roar, and goopy goodness gushes from their mealy mouths. I prefer to start my grueling day like a real hard-core gamer—by dragging my saggy ass out of bed, pounding a few Hershey's Kisses and cursing my wasted life.