Boston Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon will star in an upcoming Dunkin' Donuts spot from Hill, Holliday. In the ad, he stands at his locker, absorbing congratulatory butt-slaps from his teammates and a long line of Sox fans. (See a preview clip here.) The Boston Herald, angling for a Pulitzer, digs deep and uncovers the truth: “Alas ladies, it’s not Papelbon’s bottom featured in the rear-end close-ups.” Yes, a body double was used. But whose? Was it Assy McGee’s or the Sox-obsessed D’Angelo’s steak-sandwich guy’s? His cheese-buffered buns could clearly handle some punishment, though he’s wound so tight, he’d slap you right back. (He’d make a good Beef Ambassador, actually.) The Sox spanked the Detroit Tigers 5-0 on Tuesday in their Fenway Park home opener. Everyone on the train I took home was drunk and wearing Red Sox caps. I’m pretty sure a couple of them patted me on the backside, but we were jammed in so close, it was hard to tell.

—Posted by David Gianatasio