Talk about a schmear campaign. Ha ha! That's a silly pun, but consider the inspiration: Kraft's Bagel-fuls (not shown here), which are frozen bagel sticks with Philadelphia cream cheese wedged inside. Bagel sticks? Do the laws of physics permit such atrocities? Look, some things are better pre-filled. Pens come to mind. Jelly donuts. Any kind of donuts, really. Calzones. Hot Pockets. (Imagine an empty Hot Pocket. Not so great.) Bagels, however, have a hallowed tradition. The spreading of cream cheese, or one’s other favorite topping, is part of the ritual. If it’s good enough for Albert Einstein—or even Einstein Bros. Bagels—it’s good enough for me. (God, I could go for some Hot Pockets right now. And yes, I’ll eat all of them and leave the empty box in the lunch-room microwave. It’s my right!)

—Posted by David Gianatasio