Look out folks! Here comes Valentines Day! Some people hate it with all of their might. And others love it with all of their vomit-inducing joy.
It is a painful day for people who are not in relationships. But I have a cure for your lonesome tears, my dears! TWITTER!
I have created a top ten list highlighting the reasons that being on Twitter is better than being in a relationship.
THE TOP 10 REASONS I Would Rather Be on Twitter Than in a Relationship
10. I’d rather look at your Twitter Profile background than learn about your real life background where you enjoyed a life of crime, infidelity, and nurtured tendencies to throw sharp things at your previous boyfriends when you were angry.
9. With Twitter, when I say “140 Characters”, I am not referring to your amount of “hookups” from before we met.
8. If Twitter is over capacity, I simply wait; and try again. If you are over capacity, I better keep my mouth closed, walk on eggshells; and if you ask me if “this body-full-of-cake makes you look fat.” I will lie lie LIE! Or I am sleeping out side side SIDE!
7. As time passes on Twitter, things get more exciting as the creators add cool new features. In a relationship with me, you’re lucky if after 12 months of dating I am exciting enough to even bother washing the dishes for the romantic Burger King dinner I planned, for our anniversary.
6. If I am not in a relationship, I don’t have to worry about you allowing every dude in North America to see your “Private Tweets”.
5. Twitter doesn’t judge me when we spend time together and I don’t practice proper hygiene ……and I eat my Kraft Dinner out of the pot, with no pants on.
4. Instead of getting into a heated debate, Twitter posts the message, “Sorry! We did something wrong.” whenever it messes up. Thank you Twitter. I accept your apology. Now let us put this behind us and go watch Desperate Housewives.
3. If I am tired of being alone; and I want to meet people similar to me, I don’t have to audition for The Bachelor. No! On Twitter, I simply look to my right. And I am one click a way from creeping my way into your heart.
2. Twitter doesn’t get angry if I have more than one favorite; or if I hog the bed; or if I am attracted to other social sites; or if I tell stupid jokes & never take things seriously; or if I spend all my time …well …on Twitter.
1. On Twitter, “Follow Friday” does not mean you and your girlfriends are going to show up at my ‘weekend guys night out’ and follow me around all night because you don’t trust me. And then you storm off when I ignore you; and I ask your girl friends what I did wrong. And they say, “You know what you did!!!” And then they also storm off. But I swear we were just having a few beverages and watching hockey! Why can’t I have friends? Huh? Answer me that! WHHYYYY?
But then you respond, “Sorry! We did something wrong.”
…I forgive you.