Each week, we take a look at the ramblings of WaPo‘s resident humorist, Gene Weingarten. Each week, we are blown away by the sad, phoned-in jokes that they consider to be jokes. In this week’s piece, the Pulitzer-Prize winning Weingarten sets out to do is find something that he truly hates.
According to him, he says that a friend “chastised” him because he used the word too often. A word like that loses meaning unless you truly mean it. So, Gene tries to think of what it is that he truly hates. His first thought was cancer. He then dismissed that idea by saying that he can’t hate cancer because it “is not sentient, ergo is not willfully evil.” In other words, he can’t hate cancer because it is not a conscious thing. It doesn’t have a brain that makes it’s own decisions. Which is weird because one of the things that he DOES list that he genuinely hates is….. Old Bay Seasoning.
Gene says, “My hatred of Old Bay began about 30 years ago when I realized that I could no longer order crabs in restaurants. That was because all restaurants — as though by secret prearranged signal — had started steaming their crustaceans with the mist from an orangy powder that tasted as if it had been scraped from the rust around bathroom pipes, then mixed with dandruff harvested from corpses.”
That’s right. According to Gene, Old Bay Seasoning now has a brain. It is “sentient”, since that’s what he’s using as criteria. Hopefully, no one actually proofreads these columns anymore or WaPo might realize that Gene stopped being sentient years ago.