Last night at the newly opened Marriott Marquis in Washington, DC, the Radio and Television Correspondents’ Association hosted its annual Congressional correspondents’ dinner, where recipients of several awards were recognized for excellence in areas of television and radio reporting.
The evening’s comedic guest was Nick Offerman, who plays Ron Swanson on “Parks and Recreation.” White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough also offered remarks.
But as usual, out of town comedians in Washington and non-professional comedians don’t always come up with the funniest of lines. Below are the top ten comedic fails of the night from Offerman and McDonough’s time at the podium.
10 – Nick Offerman: “The eighth amendment protects us from cruel and unusual punishment. Which apparently does not include strapping a citizen to a table and murdering them. I guess that’s some sort of judgement call.”
9 – Nick Offerman: “Some people assume that because I’m an actor, I’m a Democrat. And other people assume that because I like to hunt and build things, I’m a Republican. I am neither. I’m a proud bull moose.”
8 – Nick Offerman: “I’m a firm believer in the Second Amendment. In fact, I consider myself to be a Second Amendment origionalist. That means, I believe every man or woman has the right to bear arms. But only the same arms that our country’s forefathers bore in the 18th Century. Muskets. I’m talking black power, muzzle loaded, smooth core guns fashioned with a bayonet.”
7 – Nick Offerman: “Growing up in a farm family, there were some early lessons in politics. For example, in Illinois, we had these tenatious little black beatles. Indestructable. And we’d often have these big family picnics that involved frosty mugs and draft beer. And these beetles would dive, fly straight into your beer so that if you didn’t keep it covered, eventually they would all be in there for the free beer. And sincerely, these bugs were known as the Democrats.”
6 – Denis McDonough: “People often ask me what it’s like to be right there in the room with the President. And I say ,’We call those people White House photographers’.”
5 – Nick Offerman: “Tonight’s dinner celebrated Washington, DC itself. A city with a rich history of music and art, and diplomats getting away with vehicular homicide.”
4 – Nick Offerman: “Happy trails to Jay Carney, the messenger we all love to shoot.”
3 – Denis McDonough: “For all the setbacks and obstacles, we’re seeing some signs of progress. For example, the last time Secretary Clinton joined the President for lunch, the Secret Service didn’t even feel the need to taste his food first. So that’s real change right there.”
2 – Nick Offerman: “I was very excited when I heard I’d get to meet the White House Chief of Staff. But it turns out, that position has nothing at all to do with stick fighting. You know, a lot more might get done in this town if disputs were settled with a bow staff.”
1 – Nick Offerman: “Good evening. It’s a great honor to be here. My sisters and I look forward to coming to this event every year. Since March of 2011, Syria…shit” – Offerman not so mistakenly reading the introduction of the David Bloom Awards by the late NBC News correspondent’s daughters Christine, Nicole, and Ava Bloom rather than his own introduction.