Campaign season has a way of bringing society’s crazies to light. Yesterday it was Fred Karger, lunatic candidate for President who hates him some Mormons, today it’s Terry Jones, lunatic candidate for President who hates him some sanity.
Jones, clearly a mustache enthusiast, is also the moron who felt the need to burn a Koran to point out the dangers of radical Islam rather than, you know, simply talking about them, is running for President on a platform of…Jello, really.
Jones, a pastor, is really down on gay marriage. Don’t even get him started. See a press release after the jump dated Dec. 21sh [sic]…
1. Balance the budget and reduce the national deficit.
Considering the deficit is the annual measure of the difference between revenues and expenditures, a balanced budget would, by definition, eliminate it, not just reduce it. What Jones, or anyone around him with the slightest clue how the government he seeks to lead works, should have said is “reduce the national debt,” the sum of all outstanding deficits. But anyone who thinks that facial hair is a good idea can’t be expected to know the difference between such things, he’s got a campaign to run!
2. Eliminate our dependency on foreign oil.
Why hasn’t someone thought of this before? Just think of the jobs it would create! If there were more to the Jones platform than a single sentence per point, like a link to exactly (or even approximately) how he planned on accomplishing his goals…OK, it would still probably be hilarious. But there isn’t. Maybe he has a Nixonian “secret plan” to end our need for foreign oil hidden is his mustache, but it’s doubtful. It’s simply not that bushy.
3. Deport all illegal aliens immediately.
Perhaps Jones is privy to Star Trek transporter technology that only those with serious presidential aspirations are told, but this seems improbable. Short of yelling “olly olly oxen free” in his inaugural address in a way that causes 12 million illegals to immediately head for their nearest border, this pledge will, at best, take some time. At worst, be broken.
4. Bring all U.S. troops home from foreign soil, Cut military spending by several billion dollars.
Aside from the danger and impracticality of this, he straight-up stole this from Ron Paul. Add in a line about letting, encouraging or helping Iran build a nuclear bomb and it IS Ron Paul’s foreign policy platform. Why would anyone vote for Jones over Paul when at least Paul knows how to shave? I suspect this won’t be an issue for many people.
Each cycle brings out the crazies like the LaRouche cultists, and each brings his own brand of insanity. Like most lunatic candidates, Jones will get exactly as many votes as he has family members, maybe less. The only positive the Jones campaign can hope to exploit for additional votes is that he shares a name with a member of Monty Python. That Terry Jones was born in the UK, and therefore can’t constitutionally be elected President, but he still stands a better shot next November than this nutjob.
OR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
December 21sh, 2011
MEDIA CONTACT: 352-371-2487 or 352-871-2680 (Stephanie Sapp) or firstname.lastname@example.org
Terry Jones for President Campaign Calls for Ban on Same Sex Marriage
The Terry Jones for President campaign calls for a ban on same sex marriage. Homosexual and lesbian marriages do not represent the majority of the people of the United States of America and does not represent the spirit of America, or the foundation of America, or the heart and intentions of our founding fathers.
Same-sex marriage is not the type of example that we want to send to our children and grandchildren or to the coming generations. It is not something that we desire for them to achieve or obtain.
Therefore we are calling for a ban on same-sex marriage.