What a Dick

Our favorite New York Post reporter, Mandy Stadtmiller, has been slumming in L.A. this week to cover the Comedy Central roast of William Shatner.

Instead of just filing a story, though, she became one when Andy Dick reportedly urinated in front of her, offered to lick her girl-parts and bit her hand. This followed a “licking spree,” in which Dick licked the faces of Farrah Fawcett, Carrie Fisher and Patton Oswalt.

On Mandy’s personal blog, she offers this transcription of her taped “interview” with Dick about why he licked everyone’s faces that night:

I was doing it because I was desperately trying to tie the show together like a fisherman with tuna, and you’re a little piece of fresh tuna, f—ing bring my net in, tie it all together, tie it together like a throughline, like I’ll lick you, I’ll lick him, I’ll lick her, I’ll lick him. It was me trying to tie it all together. You know what? I was giving that to the editor. That was my gift to the editor, you’re welcome if they can tie that together then they did my job because I gave it to them. If they didn’t then f— it, you know what whatever. That’s it. But thanks for asking. But thanks for asking. Do you want me to lick your face now? Do you want me to lick your c—? Do you want me to lick your c—? Do you want me to lick your – bye bye.”

If you don’t believe her, just tune in to Howard Stern this morning. A source tells FishbowlLA she handed her audio tape over to him.

Why? We don’t know for sure, but we’re guessing she figured one encounter with an outlandish megalomanic does not a trip to Los Angeles make.