This morning we enter Project Fishbowl to closely examine The Hill’s 10th Anniversary “50 Most Beautiful People List.” This year saw a few changes as they allowed White House Administration people to enter the fray in addition to political types on Capitol Hill and K Street. There’s also a dandy new layout that allows for easy viewing and flipping through the winners. Here we offer our raw reviews of the beauties – FishbowlDC style. Warning: To the easily offended (you know who you are) you might want to skip this because we won’t apologize.
In no particular order… let’s begin.
Piranhamous: Very sexy in that ‘lock you in his basement’ kind of way. Too soon?
Peter: I think I recognize this guy from my grandma’s “Shop Teachers of the Mid-Atlantic” calendar she had in 1984.
Anonymous journo: So, the West Wing was allowed on this year’s list. But who said anything about daytime TV shrinks?
Justin: Right out of GQ, obviously.
Betsy: Bald and plump with a “Magnum, P.I.” stache. Literally doesn’t get any better than this.
Piranhamous: Caught on Camera! Stephanie Green’s pearls attack curling-iron-haired cutie!!!
Peter: That necklace is made of human teeth.
Anonymous journo: Glad she listened to the flight attendant and fastened her seat belt.
Justin: The necklace scares me a bit—or a lot. But I love the smile.
Betsy: How many “cuties” can one list have? Please, STOP the usage of that word. Serious question: Can a necklace self-strangle a human being?
Piranhamous: Jai from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy proves there is life after reality TV.
Peter: They let Billy Elliot on the list! His face screams, “Bro, do you even pirouette?”
Anonymous journo: Oretga’s face never moves. Even during his daily Capitol Hill parkour workouts (involves jumping off balconies and buildings).
Justin: But did he stick the landing? I can’t pass judgment without this vital piece of information.
Betsy: Who let Pee Wee Herman on the list? Is that even appropriate?
Piranhamous: I loved his rendition of the National Anthem at the NBA Finals.
Peter: “And Emmanuel Lewis as Webster…”
Anonymous journo: Where’s the yearbook quote?
Justin: Just… no. Our society already exploits children way too much, I won’t be a part of it.
Betsy: Has someone called Child Protective Services or checked the milk cartons? This can’t be legal.
Piranhamous: Casual staircase.
Peter: I’ve been instructed not to touch this one.
Anonymous journo: “The doctor is in”? Okay, but only if she’s wearing a glove.
Justin: Dermatologist, right? That is some porcelain skin.
Betsy: I wonder what kind of moisturizer she uses.
Piranhamous: “If you like this pic, you ought to see what I DM’d last night.”
Peter: Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High has aged very well.
Anonymous journo: It’s almost a surprise that Flake came in at No. 1. But the shock factor wears off once you have a look at the rest of the list.
Justin: He’s wearing a shirt? Who is in charge of this list?
Betsy: A poor man’s Matthew McConaughey. But OK, we get it. A little.
Piranhamous: Two words of advice: Blowout Bar
Anonymous journo: Dazzling. The control boards, that is.
Justin: Not many women could pull off that top, bravo.
Betsy: Not bad. A decent way to kiss Jay Carney’s ass.
Piranhamous: Women want him, men want to be him. Okay, okay… Women want him, gay men want him, men want to be him.
Peter: I’m only writing this negative comment to see if Tapper will fight me about it on Twitter.
Anonymous journo: Tapper is a good looking guy, but he should consider Chapstick instead of whatever chalk he’s using as lip balm.
Justin: Per CNN PR, I’m not allowed to say anything until I’ve run it by CNN PR.
Betsy: The HOT Lead.
Piranhamous: Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!
Peter: She’s cute. Nice dress. Nice hair. Nice knees.
Anonymous journo: Hem up the dress just a tad.
Betsy: She’s pretty, a natural beauty, Laura Ingraham’s evil spawn, and should not have been shoved down into the bowels of this list.
Piranhamous: I just love those Dove commercials.
Peter: Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Let down your hair!
Anonymous journo: Can’t quite put my finger on it. And I’d rather not.
Justin: Confidence is sexy.
Betsy: The bright side? Weight Watchers has a new spokeswoman.
Piranhamous: RuPaul isn’t aging well.
Peter: If Steven Seagal was a black woman, he’d wear some shit like this.
Anonymous journo: Fierce. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Justin: I must have that hat for my collection.
Betsy: I know for a fact there’s an unspoken quota of lawmakers on the list. But this is an abomination of power. My prediction: Her flower will one day rise up and eat her.
Piranhamous: Ah yes! Pip the Capitol chimney sweep – everyone’s wet dream.
Peter: If Tucker Carlson and Steve Doocy had a baby, he would look like this Poindexter.
Anonymous journo: What a nice, young, consenting-looking young man.
Justin: Wait, what are we doing? I’ve been lost in his eyes for like the last half-hour.
Betsy: I actually love this guy. He looks like a lost doe who accidentally wandered into their photo shoot. Please don’t hurt him.
Piranhamous: Boiled, baked, poached or fried – I’m eating whatever Sam’s serving.
Peter: He looks like a supervillain out of his costume.
Justin: Does every guy in D.C. own that tie? Time for a moratorium. That aside, I think bald is really working for Sam.
Betsy: Another CUTIE? Did they run out of words? Regardless, Kass is a catch.
Piranhamous: Too easy.
Peter: I could travel around the world twice using those bags under his eyes. Get some sleep. And some Kiehl’s eye recovery.
Anonymous journo: Finally. A smile that doesn’t look like it was activated by gunpoint.
Justin: If he’d add a shaved head, I could see a young Patrick Stewart here.
Betsy: Unsolved mystery: Where are his lips? Did they dissolve into his schnoz?
Piranhamous: Behind a beautiful face, beneath a dangerous smile, lies a rage that can’t be stopped. The hand that rocks the cradle…is the hand that rules the world.
Peter: That bigass turquoise chain is the only thing keeping her from being blown away by a strong wind.
Anonymous journo: Pageant mom in the making.
Justin: The last time my teeth were that white was… never.
Betsy: It’s Capitol Hill Barbie! Every list must have one.