This is the funniest send-up of Hollywood rom-com love scenes we’ve read in a long time. “I Want to Make Love to You Like In the Movies” is the latest offering on McSweeney’s from regular contributor Josh Gondelman and we have to thank THR.com editor Chris Krewson for bringing it to our attention via Twitter.
Gondelman’s piece adopts the format of a love letter to a girlfriend. Filtered through the love scene cliches and other rote formula of modern era studio rom-coms. Here’s just a taste:
I want to take you home to my apartment. Though my living space is unfeasibly large and furnished well beyond my means with Crate & Barrel accouterments, you’ll find it unacceptably messy because men, right? Once we get inside, I’m going to tear your clothes off. But, I’ll leave the bra on…
I’ll take my shirt off, revealing a body which is either way too good considering what I do for work or one that’s comically dumpy. I’ll leave my pants on. That’s how it works in the movies. Girls keep their bras on. Guys leave their pants on. My dick ain’t afraid of no zippers.
The essay is flat-out hilarious, encompassing everything from the PG-13 rating single-mention F-word rule to the bittersweet ways it will have to go down in the hospital delivery room and during old age. Four stars.
In his spare time, Gondelman also co-pilots the Twitter account @SeinfeldToday.
[Image courtesy Warner Bros.]