Bret Baier Jokes About Wife’s Credit Card Use

It’s the puff piece to end all puff pieces. You couldn’t buy a story more puffy and praising about Fox News “Special Report” anchor Bret Baier as reported Sunday in Splash magazine.

It’s “Chicago’s dose of style, society and celebrity.” Excuse us as we clean up the vomit.

The story begins much like a fairytale by profoundly complimenting Baier on his program’s soaring ratings: “Bret Bair is at the top of his game,” the author begins. It’s deserved — we don’t dispute the numbers or his high ratings. But what we do take issue with is the profound and profuse ass kissing that pervades the piece. The first sentence — a big sloppy wet kiss — announces that Baier has gotten to sit down with some “major political players” — whoa! — such as President Obama. We’re pretty sure a few other Washington reporters and CBS’ “60 Minutes” have achieved this incredible feat.

The anchor reveals other tidbits about his private life and slips in a line about his wife Amy‘s credit card use along Chicago’s ritzy Michigan Avenue. He told the writer that wifey was warming up the credit card. The actual line reads as follows: “5:30 p.m. Amy can’t visit her hometown without shopping on Michigan Avenue ‘with a warmed up credit card,’ Bret jokes.”

We get it. They’re well off and have cash to blow. To be sure, Baier meant the remark as funny and lighthearted. But was it?

The shameless suckup continues.

Among the puffiest lines in the piece: “Whether in his role as a hard-hitting journalist or a soft-spoken family man, Baier’s always aiming for the top. Covering non-stop Capitol Hill happenings doesn’t leave him much free time, but when he does get the occasional Sunday off, here’s how he spends it.”

We do love the timeline of a typical Sunday in the life of Baier and provide this translation of what happened and what it means:

10 a.m. After spending Saturday night in Barrington with family (including power pair Tom and Darby Hills), the Baiers go back to the city for mass at Holy Name Cathedral (730 N. State), where they were married. What it means: The Baiers are V.I.P. They’re good, god-fearing people. They go to church. They keep Bill Maher in their prayers.

11 a.m. The couple heads to Gibson’s Steakhouse (1028 N. Rush) for brunch. What it means: Money is no object. They eat. Zagat describes Gibson’s as a “first-class icon” and “beef palace” that ain’t cheap.

2 p.m. Baier is training for a 10K run, so he loves getting in a jog along the lakefront — when the weather’s decent, of course. What it means: Baier is a wholesome guy who tries to take care of himself after stuffing himself with fat and artery clogging cuisine.

4 p.m. Time to unwind with a massage at the Peninsula Chicago Spa (108 E. Superior). What it means: Money is no object. Baier likes massages at the occasional fancy spa, especially since he slums it at Meridian, a cheap ass (but excellent) spa in Washington’s swanky Georgetown neighborhood where Asian men beat every knot in your butt and back out of you with no compassion and then twist you into a pretzel for a stretch just for laughs.

5:30 p.m. Amy racks up purchases on the credit card. (Our words, Baier’s are above.)

7 p.m. The couple grabs a sushi dinner at Sunda (110 W. Illinois). What it means: Steak was hours ago. They love to eat well. And on a Fox News anchor’s salary they can afford to dine out at pricey eateries twice in a day. Zagat describes it as a place that draws celebs and scenesters. Thank God for Roger Ailes.

9:30 p.m. Rooftop drinks at the Park Hyatt’s NoMi Garden (800 N. Michigan) are the perfect end to the day. But the Baiers know they have to be up early on Monday with their sons, so they keep an eye on the clock. What it means: They’re family-first, country-first churchgoers.