Johnny Knoxville Pens Intro To Vice Dude’s Book

And it’s a doozy:

“You wanna fight? Let’s go outside and you and me fuckin’ fight.”

These were the first words that were ever uttered between Chris Nieratko and me. He approached me in a bowling alley about seven years ago and asked me to step outside. Now I get this a lot. People oftentimes challenge me to a round of fisticuffs. They want to prove themselves against my ill-perceived “toughness.” But Chris was different. He wasn’t trying to test his measure against mine. He wasn’t trying to prove anything. Chris is, simply put, an asshole.

He is always running to or from some bar with a six-pack under his right arm like a football, and he is always, always starting some type of shit. He will start shit with a person or group of persons. “He will start shit with a wall. He will start shit in a hall. He will start shit in a mall…”

Had I known what kind of prick I was dealing with in the bowling alley all those years ago, I may have obliged him and stepped outside into the alley but nah, that would have only made his day. Instead we ended up ingesting pills and lots of booze that night and ended up back at my house because the fucking jerk said, “You didn’t fucking shoot yourself with a 0.38 while wearing a bulletproof vest in the Big Brother video. You’re full of shit.” Incensed, I produced the dented vest and flattened slug that slammed into it. All he said was, “Oh I guess you didn’t fake it after all, bitch.”

On that I called him a cab and told him to get the fuck out of my house. That was years ago. Chris Nieratko was an asshole then and he is an asshole now. Hell, I guess that’s why we became friends.

Johnny Knoxville
from the introduction to Skinema


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