A Poetic Pool Report from S. Africa

Every once in a while we come across a pool report so bad it deserves public mocking.  And Saturday’s FLOTUS report from South Africa is exactly that variety.  We can’t say with “certitude” what inspired Chicago Trib‘s Katherine Skiba to write this ridiculous report but we’re guessing it’s the result of several Amarula shots, a malaria vaccine, and one too many Danielle Steel novels.  To honor this poetic pooler, FishbowlDC drafted the following haiku:


Your pool report sucks.

Like Danielle Steel on hard drugs.

It hurts just to read.




Pool report, #2, Sat., 1-25-11

By Katherine Skiba

Chicago Tribune

Gaborone, Botswana–On the eve of her farewell to the continent, first lady Michelle Obama spotted a big game animal.

An elephant–an enduring emblem of the Grand Old Party, of all things.

The gray behemoth, distinctive for its tusk, trunk and tail, came in viewing range of the Obama’s brown eyes.

The first lady had been rattling and rolling along Saturday a rutted, one-lane dirt road, traveling aboard a dusty, drab-green, open-air Land Cruiser.

The Toyota came to a stop.

Secret Service agents eyeballed the savannah, awash in red bush willow and sicklebush, encircled by dark, low-slung mountains.

The rest of the report after the jump.

Weather conditions: sunny and chilly, with brisk winds.

Her mother, Marian Robinson, daughters, 12, and 10, and a nephew, 19, and niece, 15, were aboard for the “drive,” as a safari trip is called.

The elephant, alas, was close to a pre-arranged stopping-off point.

Huddled there was a pack from the endangered Fourth Estate, biding their time with pencils, pads and point-and-shoots. Their mission: capture for posterity the Obama’s visit to Madikwe Game Reserve, home to the “Big Five:” elephant, buffalo, rhinoceros, lion and leopard. The park is in South Africa, just over an hour’s drive from Gaborone.

Before a single shutter could open, the elephant beat an exit, enigmatically.
“Kristina, the press scared the elephant away,” Obama told her communications director, Kristina Schake.

Everyone in her party convulsed in laughter, Schake reported.

The photo op resumed, lasting mere minutes.

Shutters clicked.

Scribes scribbled.

After a large wave goodbye from the first lady, she and her party clambered back into their vehicle.

The Land Cruiser headed east on the vast veld, kicking up dust until it vanished.