Are you female and between the age of 55 and 70? Do you like dogs? Do you wonder why they don't make films like The Big Chill anymore? Do you think dogs don't get enough love? Do you think that Elisabeth Moss is actually the pretty one in Mad Men, not the blowsy redhead or the skeletal Canadian? Do you like dogs better than people? Darling Companion is your film choice this weekend.
Are you female and aged between the age of 40 and dead? Do you believe that the best thing about The Sixth Sense was Toni Collette as the mother? Do you wish she could play that role again? Did you think Michael Sheen's facial hair in Midnight in Paris made him even more adorable? Do blazingly precocious child actors have no impact on your gag reflex? Jesus Henry Christ is your film choice this weekend.
Are you male? Are you of the view that one should legalize it not criminalize it? Are you somehow unaware that reggae is now the elevator music of our time, an endlessly repetitive background drone in every single public space where imagination has shriveled up and died? Marley, a hagiography of reggae's godfather and patron saint and by far the genre's greatest songwriter, is definitely your cup of "tea."
Are you male and have seen almost every World War II movie ever made? Are you intrigued by the idea of seeing all your favorite devices revisited from a Korean perspective? Is the idea of doing so immeasurably enhanced by the opportunities it offers for getting into an impassioned and sometimes hysterical debate about the movie's accuracy, the material it is based on and other matters World War II? One that will culminate in someone accusing someone else of being a Nazi? My Way is the film for you this weekend, mein Fuhrer.
Are you female and between the age of 17 and 20? Are you still slightly embarrassed about the ferocity of your former crush on Zac Efron? Do you need an adult romantic movie that will rationalize your feelings now that you and Zac are both almost adults? The Lucky One is your movie this weekend, and no one will blame you for mentally projecting your own face onto that of Zac's co-star, Taylor Oh Who Cares.
Are you a young couple feeling your way into the curious world of adult relationships, never quite sure what half of you is thinking? Are you still amazed that men have the emotional intelligence of house bricks while women want to rule every single aspect of every single detail of every single thing in your life? Are you familiar with the work of Kevin Hart and Jerry Ferrara? Think Like a Man is your date movie this weekend.
Does watching animals cuddle make you feel warm inside? Would you have preferred the BBC series The Blue Planet if they had named every penguin? Do you prefer your food pre-chewed? Do you believe that "anthropomorphism" is just a fancy way of saying that animals are exactly like us? Is it 1938? Disney's Chimpanzee is the film for you today, at least according to this trailer.