The mind reels at the

The mind reels at the possibilities.

For Republicans, “Don’t let the ice caps hog all our water” would make a lot of friends, but bespeaks too small a vision. The Republicans are about so much more than making Kevin Costner’s dystopic fantasy, Waterworld, a reality. Similarly, “Pave the Mideast” and “Mandatory vasectomies for all registered Democrats,” though honest, seem too narrow.

There’s more to accomplish. Say, there’s an idea:

‘Mission Accomplishing!’

But why dwell on past successes? To the horizons!

For Lincoln’s party, the next election will turn not on key issues so much as on stoking paranoia and shitting on hippies. This suggests two solid contenders—something the next election will likely not provide: “Kim Jong-il,” just his name, or, “Well if Democrats are so fuckin’ smart, how come they’re so fuckin’ dumb?”

Something to intensify the hostility toward intelligence and a true version of events that this administration has brilliantly engendered. Go with what works.

(I realize I should limit my recommendation to one clear slogan, but this is a tissue session. Let’s not kill any good ideas until after we’ve spent scarce production dollars.)



The Democrats are a trickier prospect.

Even though in the parallel universe to which we play Bizarro World the Republican record demonstrates only an inability to lead, the Democrats seem like underdogs. And though America loves an underdog, America doesn’t want an underdog fighting all the fights America has picked. Confidence, then, is the strategy. “Remember: We’re in this election,” though appropriate, somehow falls short. Tonally. So many people overlook tone. “Uncle” goes far to express a prevailing inability to tolerate any Republican anything any longer, but it’s wimpy. Is a Democrat a victim? I think we know the answer.

To win, the Donkey needs to steal a recent album title:

‘I am not afraid of you and I will beat your ass.’

The confident delusion of a bully’s punching bag, as practiced in front of his bedroom mirror, comes beaming through.