Restarting a tradition from a while back, here are our reviews of the Super Bowl Ads. (And I’m not about to start with that “The Big Game” BS. It’s the Super Bowl.) We try to do things a little different around here. After all, you’ll be able to find lots of places where you can read reviews of the ads. However, Only Lost Remote gives you Three-Word Reviews. (Of course, I stole the idea from The Four Word Film Review, a fine site you should visit.) Check ’em out, after the jump…
FIRST QUARTER:
Break 1
Bud Light “Beer Can House”: I’m moving there.
Snickers “Betty White”: Better than me.
Focus on the Family “Tim Tebow”: Get drafted, first.
Survivor “Heroes vs Villains”: Nice. Something novel.
Break 2
Hyundai Sonata “Paint“: You should rebrand.
Boost Mobile “Super Bowl Shuffle”: McMahon’s getting work!
Doritos “Speak”: Dogs eat anything.
Break 3
Robin Hood: “Gladiator” with arrows
Doritos “Momma”: Every stepdad’s nightmare.
Bud Light “Asteroid”: What I’d do.
NCIS “Head Slap”: Barney’s is better.
Break 4
Coca-Cola “The Simpsons”: Burns deserves nothing.
GoDaddy “Danica Patrick”: Oh. That works.
CBS “Undercover Boss”: Stay there, boss.
Break 5
Doritos “Dead Guy”: Killer snack attack.
Bud Light “Autotune”: Autotune improves everything.
Monster “Beaver”: Odd animal choice.
“Wolfman”: Hey – nice fingers!
CBS “The Who Preview”: Gramatically, “The Whom.”
Break 6 (End of first quarter)
Bridgestone: “Killer Whale”: Sushi on wheels
Sketchers Shape Ups: Ugly-ass sneakers.
Cars.com: Boring, but cheerleaders.
CBS: $2.5mm Self-promotion
Break 7
Budweiser “Bridge Out”: Beer Butt Bridge.
Shutter Island: Stop Leonardo’s accents.
CBS Cares “Heart”: That was lame.
CBS Late Show: Leno is everywhere.
The Amazing Race: Not THAT Amazing.
Break 8
Careerbuilder.com “Naked office”: Oh, the horror.
Dockers “Wear the Pants”: Another pantsless ad!
Hyundai “Brett Favre”: Go. Away. Brett.
Break 9
*Bud Light “Stranded”: LOST with brew!
Dove “Dove for Men”: Still for girls.
Super Bowl Promo: We’re already watching.
Break 10 (Two-Minute Warning)
Dodge Charger “I Will Do…”: Lost me at “Dodge.”
Teleflora.com “Flowers in a Box”: Rickles imrpoves all.
Papa John’s “Super Bowl”: Whatever. Not here.
CSI “Space”: Jump… The… Shark…
Break 11
“Alice in Wonderland”: “Freakadelic”: A Word?
Dr. Pepper Cherry: Isn’t it cherry?
truTV: Steelers. Bad choice.
Break 12
Universal Studios “Wizarding World of Harry Potter”: Parents are screwed.
Break 13
FLO TV: Todd liked that.
Break 14
Intel “Robot”: Cyber faux pas.
HALFTIME
(We note that it was a fast first half. Every time I put down the computer, it was time to pick it up again. This is stressful. 2011 – not so much happening.)
Break 15
FLO TV “My Generation”: Will.He.Is.
Toyota: “The Best”: Also the boringest.
MetroPCS “Contract:: Offensive, but funny.
Acura ZDX: Ugly and pointy.
Break 16
CSI:NY: Danica yet again.
Big Brother: Blah Blah Promo
NFL Network: The Who, already.
Halftime, The Who performance: That was sad.
Break 17
CBS “Undercover Boss:” Keep bosses there.
CBS “The Good Wife”” Spelled as “thegoodwife?”
CBS “March Madness”: Daughtry. I’ll pass.
CBS “Some Medical Show I Didn’t Catch The Name Of”: Wasting prime money.
Break 18
CBS News: MORE blown money.
tv.com: CBS in disguise
The Backup Plan: I’m beyond horrified.
Ford Fusion: There’s still Ford?
Dunkin’ Donuts “Chocolate”: Holy crap. NOW.
Lexus RX2010: Can’t afford it.
BP Gasoline: Branded gas – whatever.
(Local Massachusetts Gov’s Race Ad for Tim Cahill): New Scott Brown
THIRD QUARTER
Break 19
“Prince of Persia”: Like it looks.
Motorola “Blur”: First gay joke.
Volkswagen “Punch Bug”: First blind joke.
Denny’s “Free Grand Slam”: Could get ugly.
Break 20
Michelob Ultra “Lance Armstrong”: One sucky beer.
HomeAway.com “The Griswolds”: Not bad, theoretically.
Bridgestone Tires “Your tires or your life”: One old joke.
KGB “I surrender”: Stupid company name.
Break 21 (I’m now exhausted and bored by this)
Coca-Cola “Sleepwalking”: I didn’t get that.
E*TRADE “Wolf-Style”: Not the best.
Break 22
US Census “Snapshot of America”: Funny, for government.
Google… Wait – no shit? Google’s first-ever ad?: Told nice story.
Break 23
Kia “Toys”: (LR Daughter quote) “Was really creepy.”
Roundup: Sexy! Weed killer!
Budweiser Select 55: Look! Beer soda!
CBS “Two and a Half Men/Big Bang Theory”: We love Sheldon.
END THIRD QUARTER
Break 24
NFL “NFL.com”: That was sweet
CBS “The Masters”: Shortest ad ever
Acura ZDX: What? This again?
Southwest Airlines “Turnaround”: I’d kill myself.
Mitsubishi Lancer: Trampolines always rule.
Break 25
Vizio: Good meme usage
Emerald/Pop Secret: I’m switching brands
CBS promos: blah blah blah
FOURTH QUARTER
Break 26
Dante’s Inferno: Full of WANT.
Budweiser “Baby Cow”: Good start, waned.
Break 27
Honda Accord Crosstour: Large assed sedan.
Denny’s Grand Slam: Chickens in Space!
CBS NCIS: Jailbait stalking: weird.
CBS Criminal Minds: Creepy. Just creepy.
Break 28
Audi T3 TDI: Cheap Trick. NICE.
Taco Bell “Barkley Rhymes” Worst. Poet. Ever.
HOLY CRAP PORTER JUST PICK-SIXED THE BALL!
Break 29
Doritos: Hate crunching noises.
Break 30
Bud Light “Book Club”: Literacy for drunks.
Hyundai “New Sonata”: Still a Hyundai.
E*TRADE “Expensive Broker”: Love the babies.
Break 31
Shape Ups (Again): Montana? So sad.
GoDaddy “Too Hot”: Big buildup
Denny Grand Slam Birthday: More screaming chickens.
CBS Comedies: Are occasionally funny.
CBS “The Mentalist”: All hair gel.
GAME OVER: SAINTS WIN 31-17
Break 32:
E*TRADE “Airplane”: Baby for MVP
Chevrolet “Best Buys”: Where’s our money?
Campbell’s Chunky: Looks like barf
Pace Picante Sauce: Hate salsa snobbery.
FLO TV: Car TV! Yes!
Cadillac CTS Sports Sedan: Nobody under 60.
Mercedes-Benz E-Coupe: Nice Chrysler deal…
That’s it. I’m out. Congrats Saints.
*Best Ad IMHO (Bud Light “LOST” ad)
WEB-ONLY
E*Trade Baby outtakes Talking babies rock.
VW “Punch Dub“: Best origins story.
HomeAway Hotel Hell Vacation: Better than “European.”
“Banned” GoDaddy Ad: Banned? Try stupid.
“Banned” KGB Ad (“Golf”): Just as well.
ManCrunch (banned): Banned? What for?