Ten Reasons You’re Not Getting Any (in the Office)

By Matt Van Hoven 

All the excitement from yesterday’s cubicle-bang session story got us to thinking about what it would take (aside from copious amounts of alcohol) to actually get laid in the office. Could there be anything better than finally cutting the sexual tension that’s been building between you and Sally in accounting? Hell no! So why isn’t it happening? Here’s our best guesses.

10. You’re afraid to do anything that would potentially jeopardize your job, and messing around with Sally from accounting (regardless of where it happens) could come back to bite you in the ass &#151 even though you wish she was biting your ass, right now.


9. Sally has already slept with Dave from the creative department; Jim from production and made out with Erin from public relations at last year’s Holiday party.

8. You’re worried she may not be attracted to your purple, gold and white zubaz. You’re right, she’s not &#151 stop dressing like Howard Stern and iron a shirt man.

Continued after the jump.

More: “Deep Desk Dickin’ 3: Sex In An Advertising Office

7. Sally went to NYU, where she studied not only accounting (do they teach that there?) but also English lit. and something called biomedical engineering. You’re worried that your communications degree from CUNY won’t stack up.

6. She’s constantly talking about her aforementioned skills, and though she’s hot as hell you don’t want to run the risk of having to hear more about the exciting life inside accounts payable.

5. You’re Facebook friends, and you once mistook her “feeling empty” away message to mean she was lonely and so you trotted over to her desk after lunch that day only to realize that by empty she meant hungry &#151 and because you only became aware of that fact as you approached her desk there was an awkward moment where you were trying to figure out something funny to say and instead mumbled, “mm..Chipotle. Well, see ya later,” before wabbling back to your cube.

4. She thinks your name is Rich, but it’s really Adam. How the hell did that happen? That’s the fourth time in three days she’s referred to you as Rich, and now it’s like, too late to correct her without making her feel like a douche. But she should feel like a douche for not knowing your name, but you don’t want her to. Dilemma!

3. Every time you try to talk to her, you end up rambling about:
A) the weather
B) how awesome Chipotle is
C) The Office

2. You watch a wee bit of porn now and suffer the common misfortune of thinking women are actually like that. Sex in the office? Not likely! (tongue, cheek)

1. You’re one of the following:
A) Married
B) Socially awkward, and not in a “cute” way
C) a blogger