Starsuckers: a Foray Into the Business of ‘Celebrity News’

By Matt Van Hoven 

The world is big and evil, and maybe the scariest part of it is the celebrities. They control everything, from what clothes and perfume we wear to how we do our hair and perform sexual acts. They make us start fight clubs and save the manatees and buy Hannah Montana lunch boxes, which we totally don’t need. And we have no control whatsoever over any of this, because we’re just weak and mega-incapable of individuality, choice, et al.

Because we’re a clan; humans are, I mean. We follow leaders and leaders are people with (usually) charm and looks and money and large faces/muscles/breasts/buttocks. We’re sucking from their collective teet, which when not used as a metaphor means we give them our money, even when we don’t have it. There’s a movie detailing all of this and, well, let’s just hope they don’t mention advertising anywhere in there. In fact, I bet the advertising lobby somehow convinced these guys to make the film and leave out stuff about this business, which is in no way complicit in any of this. No sir, nothing to see here.


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